Sometimes it's okay to teach your 2 year old to call someone a Bitch. A shopping trip to Walmart is one of those times....

You can always tell when my irritation is at an all time high!!  You get TWO blogs in a 24 hour period!


The kids and I had to run to the store this morning to do a little grocery shopping so that we could actually eat dinner tonight.  Stupid store only had bags of organic onions this morning which really ticked me off.  I would much rather eat  pesticides than pay $4 for a tiny little bag of onions.  Okay, whole other annoyance. 


Back to the bigger issue.


There was this lady at Walmart.  She was probably in her late 40's early 50's, but who could tell with her smeared bright red lipstick, ghost white make up and giant fake blonde hair covering it all up? Anyhow. She had her husband pushing the cart while she had her cellphone glued to her ear, talking louder than Walmart's loud speakers, while her husband stayed quiet and followed her around like a sad lost puppy with his head between his legs as if he had just been neutered. 


Now seeing as how she spent her whole freaking shopping trip on her phone she wasn't quite as organized as she should of been and ended passing us like 5  or 6 times because she had to keep going back for things she forgot.  One of her trips down our current aisle she walked passed our cart and yelled "WHAT??  That would have pissed me off!!!!!!"  Which my 2 year old responds with "PISS ME OFF TOO!!!" She thought it was funny.  Well, until mommy looked at her and then looked at the 2 year and said "Now honey, if we are going to repeat naughty words, let's start with repeating mommy's naughty words like, Hey, lady you're a dumb Bitch"  


Hunter complied, Mommy gave her evil smirk and laughed like the wicked witch, and the dumb bitch scowled and walked away with hubby following behind, of course. BUT  I just know I saw the poor neutered husband snicker when Hunter called her a bitch.  I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to say the same thing for a while.

Free Unsolicited Advice located on aisle 666 in the Perfect Mommy Dept.

It's just passed the "I parent with books" aisle but a little before the over protection and sheltered aisles. If you see homeschooling crafts, a strict christian curriculum, and crocheted clothing, you've really gone too far!
Okay, 


Clearly a lot of people just don't get my sense of humor.  I am attacked constantly for my views.  Usually, my comments on parenting are all very full of sarcasm.  Some people are 

JUST.SO.SERIOUS.  

I am talking PAINFULLY serious!!  How do parents have fun.  Am I the only one who gets a kick out of torturing my children with sarcastic and witty comments?  My kids have a better sense of humor than some of these "moms".  It's sad when a 7 year old can take a joke and understand sarcasm better than a 30+ year old woman.  


I just want to make one thing clear.  When I am in the store and you hear me yell "get your behind off that dirty floor or I will kick you!!" It doesn't actually mean I am going to literally kick my child.  Even my kids know that I don't mean it!  I take that back.  I did kick my kid at the store once but it was more of a love tap with my foot when he was moving a tad to slow.... 


I actually made this comment just yesterday about how I am the mom yelling at my tantrum throwing kid to quit crying or I would kick him.  Another "mom" freaked out!  This in turn made me want to kick her.  She claimed she would intervene if she saw me saying that.  I promptly told her I would kick her too.  This person was commending the mother I was JOKING with on her ability to walk away from her tantrum throwing child and then handing out praise and parenting tips to those of us who are uninformed when it comes to proper parenting approaches.  Let me first say, I have walked away from many tantrums.  I have to question her theory though.  Apparently in her eyes it is okay to publicly abandon your child but not okay to threaten to spank them?  So you walk away and pray a rapist doesn't grab them and kill them?  Pretty confident that if we look at this from a legal standpoint, it is not against the law to spank a child on the bottom (I include a kick on the the butt as a spanking too since there are armless parents out there).  It IS however a crime to abandon a child.  

Honestly though, what on Earth makes people think they are soooooo perfect at the whole parenting gig?  I have yet to meet a perfect mom.  Maybe because we all have a different idea of what perfect is?!  Do I judge other mom's parenting choices?  Hell Yes I do!!!  Do I make them feel guilty for the way they choose to raise their kids?  I try not too.  Honestly, I try to make it a point NOT to hand out unwanted advice.  So, unless asked for tips or advice on a specific topic I typically don't run around spewing out the best way to do something.  Turns out, what works for some parents doesn't necessarily work for others.  I know

SHOCKER

right?!

This all leads me to another irritating mother from my week.  The No vaccine mom!  OMG!!  Anti Vaccine mom's are the worst!!  Some of them are seriously off their rockers.  Some think it's a government conspiracy cooked up to slowly kill us all, and some think it causes autism, and some are morally opposed because of the use of a human fetus, others are scared of the ingredients (ingredients that are ironically in our food so I hope they don't eat either), and then there are those who don't think these diseases are a threat any longer.  

I told this mom that it is her choice but I hoped her kid didn't pick up any of these diseases and I really hoped her kid didn't spread the disease to a kid to young to be vaccinated.  I also let her know that if I had an infant to young for the vaccine and her older unvax'd child got my baby sick and the baby died that she'd better pray I don't find her.  

Well, she promptly took that as a threat of violence. She was a bit of a drama queen if ya ask me!   She was a little ummmm...how can I put this nicely...she was very similar to those annoying bird clocks...if ya know what I mean.....Even Obama doesn't even flip flop this much on the issues. I truly cannot stand people who believe so strongly in something yet can't give you a good reason why.  I researched every reason why she didn't believe vaccines were right, and let me tell ya, she changed her reasons A LOT!! I was not impressed with any of her reasons and explained why which apparently pissed her off more.  Tons of people were chiming in with why they vax their kids too (when I say tons of people, I mean moms who are real about being moms...not those snooty perfect moms).  Anyway, that clearly further upset her.  Honestly though, I probably would have ignored her and her ideals had it not been for one little statement.  It went a little something like this

 I tell every parent the Dr.Sears book is the best book about vaccine he doesn't take sides and as a parent you should know what is being injected and what it is for. -Becky Zientek 

Yeah, her kids seem to be around the same age as mine and she is acting like she is seasoned pro!  Sorry, but I don't consider someone an authority on something if they haven't even gotten a kid through college.  Just sayin'...


Oh, and I don't know about other moms, but I don't go around telling every parent what to read. How on earth does she know it's the best book?  Did she read ALL of the books? She was spouting off about how you shouldn't do things just because your doc tells you too.  Apparently, you should do things if she does though....Hello???  Contradict much??



ANYWAY!!  I guess my perfect mom rant is over.....for now.

BUT,

STAY TUNED ......
I'm certain someone else will irritate the crap out of me soon! 

It's Thanksgiving!! Do You Know Why Pilgrims' Pants Fall Down?

Because they wear their buckles on their hats!!  bahahahahaha

So, it's nearing Thanksgiving and everyone is doing that 30 or 40 days of Thanksgiving, thankfulness crap.  No offense meant to any of my friends plastering their "thankfulness" all over my news feed.  I am THRILLED y'all have SO much to be thankful for!!!  I think it's great!!  Fantastic!!! Wonderful!!! You all seem to be living the same exact life as everyone else doing this "challenge"...


Which, by the way, if your life is so great should it really be called a "challenge" ?  Just sayin'.


Okay, anyway, I tried this challenge and it made me feel guilty because a lot of things I am thankful for seem to come off as...well...what is the right word....conceited? self involved? Snottiness? Self-Loving? Arrogant? Big headed?  Vain? Whatever, how about we go with Confident!


Sure, like the rest of you, I am thankful for my "wonderful family" and my "amazing kids" but lets be honest people!  Don't you ever think to yourself "WOW!  I am thankful I am hot enough to have such cute kids!" or "I am thankful I was given enough sense not to vote for Obama!" Oh and some days I want to say "I am thankful that I went a whole day without killing anyone" Oh Oh Oh and super thankful for Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass" song!  I burn a lot of calories dancing around the house too it like a freak! 


See, there is so much I am thankful for. SO SO SOOOOOO MUCH!! That does include my family and all of the crazy little cute things they do.  I have to be honest though, without me they would not be around to do all of those cute little funny things.


I am adding one last thing, I am oh so very thankful that I know how to cook because how can you spout off what you are thankful for at thanksgiving without a big juicy turkey there to listen??  Oh...yeah...you can spend a month doing it....on facebook....yay.......

OH WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!  I am TOTALLY thankful I have a sense of humor too!!

OHHHHHHHH  and that I am NOT a Turkey!!

GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!!!!!


You could make my thankfulness list if you got to my previous blog by click 
this -------->> Click me!!   Scroll to the bottom of the post and pick a link to click and donate some money to help Ashley get her Diabetic Alert Dog!! 

Running for a Dog (not from one) AND a little about Diabetes Awareness Month!!

IT'S NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!  That means it is Nation Diabetes Awareness Month!!  What better way to celebrate this month than to raise a little cash for a fabulous cause????  We did that yesterday!!


Yesterday was amazing.  Seriously, out of this world, larger than life, amazing! 


We have all been trying to raise money to help my best friend, Jennifer, get her daughter a Diabetic Alert Dog, also know as a D.A.D.  The family is working with a company called Warren Retrievers.  These life saving animals are very expensive.  The company puts you on a waiting list after you raise a $1,000.00 deposit.  This town amazingly helped the family raise the deposit in a matter of days and they are now on the list.  The dogs are however between 15 and 20 thousand dollars.  They have 2 years to raise the money and yesterday was the first large fundraiser held.  It was a 5K.  One of our friends, Candi, put it all together, with the help of the Abilene Runners Club (This is their site if you want to check them out) and did an amazing job! There were just over 100 runners yesterday.  I believe it was a total of 113, to be exact.  That number included  The Abilene Derby Dames, who put a team together and roller skated the whole 5k!! There was also the sweetest group of kids that saved their change and donated it. As well as a woman running alone who donated $50 which was more than the price of a group rate.  So many people showed up ready and willing to write a check. So many people were curious to know and learn about Type 1 diabetes.  The people that showed up were people who actually cared, people who wanted to make this happen, people that wanted to be a part of something special.  That is my exact idea of what the of definition of "community" should be. 


HOLY CRAP!!  


I am still reeling over how awesome it all was!  It was amazing to take in.  It was also so very emotional!


I feel so blessed to live in such an amazing town.  The out pour of support in the Abilene Community is simply incredible!  It is just so filled with love and the people here jump at the opportunity to help!  You don't have to state your case and then wait to see if they deem you worthy of their help.  The community just jumps in and volunteers.  No questions asked!  There is still a lot of money to be raised but yesterday put them one step closer to getting there.  Thank you to all that participated!  This family holds such a special place in my heart.  They are my second family and I will do anything, including posting this blog a million times over to get donations!  hehehehehehe  You can check out some 5k pictures by scrolling to the bottom.


Do you want to know what series of events lead to all of this?  You can read the blog I wrote by clicking HERE.


Want to learn more about the cause? Click HERE for the news story.


Would you like to donate by getting something in return??  Buy one of the beautiful Ashley Rings!!  They are $15 and every penny of the $15 goes directly to Ashley's fund thanks to the amazing Tommy and Christine Moore!!  Check out this local husband and wife team of Jewelers!! They have a Facebook page!!  Follow this Link to Oak Tree Jewelers facebook page or click HERE!!!  to purchase directly from their Etsy shop.  This could very well be your one stop Christmas shop this season :)  You can also read about how awesome they are in the Abilene Reporter News by clicking THIS link!


Oh and don't forget to check out Ashley's Facebook page Meet the Ashley Team!! <---click it and like it :)


Most importantly, are you willing to donate?? You can CLICK ME!! CLICK ME!! CLICK ME!!!!! go to the bottom of the page and click donate.  It will take you to a paypal account.  They will contact you to see who you want the money to go to by which you can respond happily and proudly "THE BOLDEN FAMILY!!" 


Do you want to learn more about Type 1 Diabetes??


Go visit JDRF's website!  More and more children are being diagnosed this year and ALL parents should know the signs!!!  

Warning signs of T1D (these may occur suddenly):

Extreme thirst Frequent urination Sudden vision changes Sugar in urine Fruity, sweet, or wine-like odor on breath Increased appetite Sudden weight loss Drowsiness, lethargy Heavy, labored breathing Stupor, unconsciousness The Bolden sisters! Lauren and Ashley Ashley warming up with Abilene Jazzercise Marlo and Shara selling JDRF bracelets Marlo and Lauren getting ready for the balloon release in honor of Sarah, Marlo's daughter who passed due to this heartless disease The amazing children that saved their change for Ashley <3 The 100+ racers!!!! The parents Jennifer, and Dan Bolden being interviewed by the news The Awesome Mom, Jennifer Candi and Lynette Candi put this whole thing together!  Isn't she awesome?? That's me. Ummmm..."finishing" the 5 K haha The AWESOME Dad, Daniel with the AWESOME sister Lauren Lauren and Ashley with a group of the AWESOME Abilene Derby Dames!

Pure and Total Awesomeness!

Well, we are pretty much all moved in and settled.  The boys and I all love the house.  Shane and Hunter are still trying to adjust to sharing a room but I think this will be good for them....eventually.  The kids have already met all of the other neighbor boys and they all run back and forth to each other's houses and play.

I did notice something odd.  The boys all seemed to spend an awful lot of time in my backyard.  It confused me because the most exciting thing we have in our yard it a tire swing.....so I thought....

Yesterday I had one of my AMAZING parenting moments I heard a loud pounding outside.  I didn't think much of it at first.  Then it his me.  This image popped in my head.  An image I had seen the day before of 4 little boys with their heads together AHHHHHHH!!!!!

It was this image

Some sort of warning should have popped in my head one of those danger signs or probably all of them....

But they didn't.  I just thought it was cute and most likely innocent, and I sat and thought to myself

hmmm.......

"What could possibly go wrong??"

WELL, That previously mentioned pounding, THAT is what went wrong.......

I went running to the window and saw those boys making something out of scrap wood from behind the shed....but what were they pounding with?  Well, let me show you:::::

That's right folks!  You guessed it!!  A Sawzall and and Axe.  My 6 & 2 year old and 3 of the 6 yr old's friends were chopping and sawzalling. (<----probably not really a verb but that's the word I'm going with today).  I went running out there like a crazy person, I'm sure my eyes were crossed, my hair was standing, my claws were out and my head was smoking!!  I started yelling and they all got quiet and just looked at me and said "look at the cool thing we are building

Queue "cool thing"

Next thing I know, some little kid is looking at me saying "Hey, Shane's mom, do you have anything we can shoot at the fort with??"

Needless to say it was time for homework, dinner and a bath for Shane and a Big Ol' Boot for the other little terrorists!

OH and if this isn't parenting at it's finest. I caught Hunter eating out of the trash today......

That would be a banana that he dug out of the trash!

Knock, Knock.....

So, I finally met a neighbor.  She took it upon herself to kindly introduce herself to us at 1:40 am while wearing a night gown and a robe with a cigarette in her hand and a housewarming gift.  It was a gift of accusations, but not just any accusations, they were FLYING Accusations. Sweet huh?  I learned something new from these accusations.  "What?" you asked.  I learned that Heath and I clearly scream and fight in our sleep so loud that it woke her up.  I was also informed that we have a little girl.

Yeah, I know!  I was surprised to learn this too!!!!!

Not only do we have a little girl but we were yelling and making her scream and then we hid her away when our neighbor pounded our door down.  Heath calmly explained to her that we were all sound asleep seeing as it is 1 freakin' 40 in the morning and we have a sick kid!! Heath then spoke to her in his most gentle voice and asked if she had forgotten to take her meds.  She was not happy about that question. We then politely told her to go to hell and then closed the door in her very poorly aged face. What a warm welcome to the neighborhood.
It was almost like it could have been a really bad Knock Knock joke.......
Knock knock

"who's there?"

"your neighbor"

"your neighbor who?"

"your neighbor Sandy"

"that joke sucks sandy go away!!"

YEP She shall hate me soon enough, I'm sure!

I'm such a wimp!

A STARVING, STARVING WIMP!

Colonoscopy and EGD (esophagogastroduodenoscopy) is in 15 hours!!


And OMG!  I am starving!  Absolutely, positively, sad third world country child, kind of starving.  I hate this feeling.  It is painful.  I want to give Unicef the .50 cents a day they have Alyssa Milano dramatically begging for on their commercials because this starving crap sucks!

Seriously, My last meal was exactly 48 hours ago and I already want to call it quits even though it will be over tomorrow afternoon.

How do anorexics do this?  Oh wait...even they allow themselves a cracker or a carrot here and there.  Lucky bitches!  

I am not cut out for this aging thing.  Lord help me if I ever have to go through this again. YES, I'm whining!  (deal with it cranky, uptight, anonymous commentator) I am whining  because I am a wimp who can't handle the least bit of discomfort. It's not helping that everything I am watching on TV, the characters are eating my favorite foods. Jerks! Oh and all of my LOVELY Facebook friends keep posting things about food or they are  checking into restaurants.  Booooo to all of you happy full bellied people out there!

Guess I need to drug myself and go to bed before I freak out over anymore food references on tv or facebook!

Armless Men and Buffalo Balls...

I love my friends.  We have so much fun!  When we are all together it seems like we can make the most boring place or the worst situation into a fun time.

Yesterday, I headed over to Jennifer's house to pick her and the girls up.  We noticed the neighbor's garage was open and he was in there.  We start gossiping about said neighbor and she informs me that he is a huge fitness junkie.  Of course, I growl an "oh really" (like I care because I HATE working out) Then Jennifer starts laughing and say's "yeah, and I don't know why, but he is always working out with some one armed man...." I'm all like "what??  Are you serious??" and she's like "yes!! It's weird but the one armed guy is ALWAYS there"

Then we back out of her drive and as we are backing out she goes "OMG!  He's there again, LOOK"

So, I look...and then I noticed something.  He wasn't a one armed man!!!  So I say, "omg he looks like a NO armed man Jennifer!!  How does a no armed man work out??"  And Jennifer's like "what?? Nuh uh!!  I swear he had an arm!"

Then we are totally laughing so hard we are all about to hyperventilate.  Mind you, there is an 8 and 11 yr old in the back seat dying of laughter too.

THEN, The 11 year old chimes in...."THAT'S A DUMMY MOM!!"  OMG!!  BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  All this time Jennifer thought the neighbor had this sad one armed friend and then within a matter of seconds he goes from a one armed man, to a no armed man, to not even a man!

This is the kind of stuff we go through when we are together.  This is our life on a weekly and even sometimes a daily basis!!  We get ourselves into crazy messes and funny disasters and we've been through sad and unforgettable life events together and everyone one of them start like this conversation and end like this::::::

Yes, after yesterdays events this is what we heard on the way home.  Then the conversation goes something like this:
Jennifer goes "omg this makes me want to run up some stairs!  ha!!!"  And of course I'm all like "are you serious?  Let's go find some!!"  and Jenn is like "Okay!  where are there stairs?" Then I say "OH OH Let's go to ACU!!"    and Jenn's like "okay but we have to google the theme song on our phone and run up the stairs with it playing!!"

Then we hear "Uh Mom, what are we doing?  Is this safe" and Jenn tells her kids to "trust us"  (famous last words right?)

Off we go to ACU.  We get there, and it is loaded with people.

Bubble=Bursted

Anywhere else have stairs???  Anybody???  No?  Okay.  Drive, drive drive....Weird noise...Jennifer "oh that's the singing bridge" Me "what are you talking about?  That's just vibration" Jennifer "NO IT'S NOT!!  The bridge sings twinkle twinkle or some crap like that!" 

"What????  I'm turning around!"  I go left in the first lot I see and being the crazy ADD person I am I'm all like "look, a buffalo!!  Y'all wanna take pictures with the buffalo?" (singing bridge completely forgotten by this time) 

11 yr and and 8 yr old "NOOOO!!!"

Jennifer, "yes!!"

Result???

Poor Buffalo got fondled last night.  Then the girls start yelling for us to "come on!!" all embarrassed from the truck!  So we go.  

Then it hits me!!  There is a buffalo with a saddle on N. 1st!!

Off we go!!!

This time the girls feel left out and want in on the action!  So we turn the radio up (on the oldies station of course) and sing and go buffalo hunting!

MY LIFE ROCKS!

The Never Ending Story, needs a Happy Ending Already!! Please?

My heart is aching today.  Not for me but for a total stranger.  Actually for a whole community of total strangers.  It is also hurting for a friend.  My best friend.  Today, a family in Abilene suffered a loss.  A horrible, disgusting, unnecessary, tragic loss.  The worst part is that it was a child they lost.

A Child!!!!!!!

I cried.  It sickens me.  It sickens me even more that it was a child lost to Type 1 Diabetes.  There should be a cure by now!!  This isn't your everyday, run of the mill kind of diabetes.  This is not a disease you get from poor dieting and lack of exercise.  It's not something you do to yourself! This is an autoimmune disorder that can happen to ANYONE!!  So, where is the cure? Where??? Why are so many children losing their lives to this disease and having to live this way....in fear?  How can there be so many advancements in technology to help those suffering from this sneaky, life altering disease but no answer as to how to fix it?

Politics? Money? Greed?

Yes, I am certain all three are playing a roll in this and it's not fair!!  The parents and the children deserve an answer!!  They have lived in fear long enough. I watch all of these stimulus bills fly through congress full of earmarks.  I watch the millions, no, wait, billions of dollars in earmarks going towards parking garages, swine waste management, small fruit research, The Paper Industry International Hall of fame and so on and so forth. These selfish, ignorant jerks do it just to have their name on something.  Why would you want your name on things so ridiculous??  Why not put the money to good use?? You know, like researching diseases and helping to prevent them and cure them.  If I were a senator and I had my name go on something it would not be on "the Paper Industry International Hall of Fame"!!  I would want it to go on a State of the Art building that was cranking out cures that save lives!!  Doesn't that make sense??  Yes, yes it does...to people like me and you.  Those of us who have souls that haven't yet been sold for campaign contributions and political gain.

Lord knows these politicians DO NOT want to piss off these pharmaceutical companies who donate millions in campaign contributions with the return favor of only finding life long drug fixes for diseases rather than life changing cures!! As long as the money is rolling in what do they care??

I am so disgusted having to see families suffer through this kind of heartbreak!  I am tired of watching young kids constantly having to shed blood for the disease.  I'm tired of the blue candles burning and I'm tired of seeing the word "HOPE" on everyone's hands when I know inside that they just feel hopeLESS at times.

I can't imagine the pain of having to live with a constant fear.  I don't ever want to live through it with my own children but I am an outsider who watches through the eyes of a family that is very near and dear to my heart and I hate that they are living this hell!  I am also not blind to the fact that this could happen to my kids or anyone of our kids for that matter.

It makes it even more real that I have a sister with the disease.  A sister who better be taking care of herself!!!

 There is nothing that makes you special and will keep your kid from being attacked.  So before you ignore this and think "this could never happen to my family" take some time to pray for these people.  Yes they are people, they are real, they exist.  They are scared mothers and fathers who take turns sleeping because they are scared that they will lose their child, they are children who pray for a cure so that they can quit trying to find a good finger to use to test...a finger that isn't yet calloused from so many pricks.  They are beautiful teenager girls who want to wear that beautiful dress to prom WITHOUT having to find a place to put her insulin pump so it won't bulge through that "perfect dress".  They are young boys who want to play football without having to stop for a sugar pill, or quick stick because all of that running made them go low, or have to get a shot of insulin because all of that adrenaline made them go high.  They are 8 year olds who miss field trips because there isn't enough staff trained to care for them and mom and dad have to work to make sure they have insurance for this overly priced disease.  They are 18 month old's with keytone strips in their diapers.  And you never know if you will have to join their community someday it may be you on their side asking for prayers.

I wish that everyone would take a moment and light a blue candle to show your support for this family that you may or may not know and for all of the other families with breaking hearts.  Also take some time to email your Senators and Congressmen and demand answers and cures not temporary fixes that cost tons of dollars!!! They need to quit being bought by the damn drug companies and start remembering who they are working for!!!!  I am emailing them what I wrote in this blog right now.  Take some time and email them your feelings too.

My prayers are with all of the families out there dealing with this!!

This can happen to ANYONE so learn the Warning signs of T1D (these may occur suddenly):

Extreme thirst Frequent urination Sudden vision changes Sugar in urine Fruity, sweet, or wine-like odor on breath Increased appetite Sudden weight loss Drowsiness, lethargy Heavy, labored breathing Stupor, unconsciousness

It wasn't so bad! Hooray!!

Well, I have to write about this because it's a big deal!  No, wait...HUGE deal!


 Heath got a  new position at work at the beginning of the week and it keeps him in town.  Yes, that's right I said "IN TOWN".


When I heard this all I could think was "OH EM GEE, I am going to end up leaving him or killing him!!!"  The thought of having him here allllllllll theeeee tiiiiime made me want to slit my wrist.  I was repeating the proper wrist slitting procedure in my head over and over.  You know "up the tracks not across" and "use something jagged to make it harder to sew up"!  Morbid, I know but most of you just don't understand!!


See, we were always really great at loving each other from a distance.  The whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" theory?  Then in the blink of an eye God tried to play a practical joke on us and bring him back to town....permanently.  


As Heath is telling me this with all of his excitement, I have that fake smile planted on my face and I am saying "ohhh....wow....well, that's just so darn fantastic..." and then my insides started cringing and all I could think was "our perfect relationship is over"  

***SIGH***

Now here we are and, it is one whole week later and both of us are still alive.  Miracle upon Miracles we did NOT kill each other.  We didn't even really fight the whole week.  It was actually enjoyable having him home (minus the dirty socks and work boots in the middle of the floor) 

He has helped with the kids and they are behaving better and acting out less.  I'm actually happy for a change!!  

Not the ending y'all saw this blog having was it??  I am just full of surprises huh?! 

This is why you should practice abstinence Boys & Girls!

Sometimes I don't even know where to start.  I can honestly say things are never dull around here! My youngest is learning new things every day and my oldest is usually the one suffering from it.  I never imagined that I would be the proud parent of a little bully.  "OH MY GOD!!! MY BABY IS A BULLY!!"  I said this to Heath the whole time the little snot was kicking the crap out of my bladder!!  Sure enough, I called it, he came out a bully!   He's mean and a tad crazy.  It scares me a little.  Okay, well, it scares me A LOT!!  


Raising this particular two year old has been a frustrating task.  He is a smart ass and witty, and he pushes your buttons on purpose.  He is always trying to find ways to get under his brother's skin and Mine!!   He knows exactly what to do to make Shane cry....and me...  


Last week, Shane comes running in my room and this is the conversation we have::


Shane:::mom, someone is knocking on my bedroom door and it's scary!
Me:::Stop making excuses to get out of bed!
Shane:::I'm not!!  someone really is knocking!!!
Me:::Shane Marcus, get your butt back to bed before I beat it!!
Shane:::Mom, I swear, I'm not lying!!!!!!  
Me:::Fine, I will go see who is at your damn door and then you will shut your mouth and get back in your bed!!!


Walk down the hall and what do I hear???  Yea, you guessed it, a loud knock and then this little giggle from the other bedroom.  It was a sweet little devious giggle.  The kind of giggle one would only hear from the mouth of a sweet and innocent 2 yr old little brother!  I turn around to find Hunter.... with his hands down his diapers.


Me:::Hunter, Get your hands out of your diaper!!
Hunter::Look Momma!!
Me ***looking***
Hunter::: ***pulling out poop balls and flinging them at Shane's bedroom door***

:::::::Mysterious Knocking Figured out:::::::

:::::::My head begins to smoke:::::::

:::::::Flames launch from my ears:::::::

:::::::My head Explodes:::::::

Then comes the voice of reason and it tells me::::

"Okay, calm down.  It's just poop, Tia.  Just 2 yr old freaking poop!!  It's not the end of the world!  Relax!  It could be worse!"


Seriously????  What could be worse than spending your evening going on a scavenger hunt for balls of POOOOOOOOP???????  NO WAY!!  NUH UH!!!  NOTHING COULD BE WORSE!!!  

Right?????

Wrrrrrrrong!!!!!

IT HIT ME LAST NIGHT

**Literally**

I went in his bedroom to check on him and he did it...he poop balled me right in the freaking face!!!!!!  This time I may very well sell this little poop throwing chimp to the circus!!!!!

Part I:::The dreaded Aging process. I am NOT happy!

I am just horrified by the thought of aging.  I know, it's silly.  I just can't wrap my pretty little, slowly wrinkling head around it.  Seriously!  It seems like I was JUST complaining about turning 25 and now out of no where the dreaded THIRTY has reared it's ugly head!  It's so bad that when I go out drinking with my disgustingly younger sister and her friends, a few guys bought me drinks (settle down, i just like free part, I'm not sleeping around!!)  and then I looked at them and asked "how old are you??" With random responses from different guys ranging from 21-24.  It seems that this specific age range is targeting me for the sole purpose of making me feel old! When I explained to them they were far too young to be hitting on me, they asked how old I was, the look of pure horror on their faces when I responded were both disturbing and depressing. On a bright note, I am SO glad I am not having to navigate the dating world!  Sheesh!!  What a nightmare that would be.

Another thing that really irritates me is that my face is aging and my body looks like a stick.  I am too old to shop juniors but they are the only clothes that fit someone with no hips, but or boobs.  I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place! (and since I'm flat in the front and back I could totally fit) It really sucks when you have no summer clothes because the shorts are sooo short and you can't figure out how to wear that shirt...and sometimes you can't even tell the difference between a shirt and a skirt!!  Then there is figuring out the dreaded layered look with long shirts covered by half shirts and scarves and jewelry and belts. Omg and how come they mix these crazy patterns??  Ugh!!!!  It's all just so damned confusing!!!!!

Lord help me, these are 2 things that are bothering me.  Not to worry though, I am going to torture you with more aging woes soon!