Smells Like Hell

Some things never leave you when a life-changing event occurs. Psychologists say that the sense of smell and memory are intertwined.  Smelling certain odors can unlock memories long forgotten from past events in one's life. Remembering events can also bring back odors as a vivid reminder.

Six years ago today, a very tragic event occurred that rocked my family to its very core. Most of you know of it and many have read these blogs in the past.  The day my aunt and her boyfriend were murdered by her ex-husband. The day lives were changed forever for 3 different sets of families.

I can smell that day. I lived in a very old house that we were trying to rehabilitate. The air in the house on January 8, 2011, was crisp because it was winter and a snow/ice storm was set to move in, in a couple of days.  I fell asleep shivering under a pile of blankets after having a few laughs at some silly memes on Facebook. The next morning I heard my phone ringing very early. It was a Sunday. I wasn't getting up that early on a Sunday. I didn't look at the caller ID, I just silenced it. A minute later it was ringing again. It was 7:22 am Sunday, January 9, 2011. I was freezing. I didn't want to get up and have a phone conversation. This time I looked at the caller ID and I saw it was my mom. So, I begrudgingly answered. When I had woken up to answer, I breathed in the crisp cold air and smelled the permanent musty smell that an old house sometimes has. I hated that smell. Nothing but sobs and screaming on the other end. "He did it!  That SOB finally did it!! He killed her."

*phone drops

*life changes forever

I needed plane tickets. I needed to get out of Texas and home to Illinois. I needed coffee. I can still smell the burning of my espresso machine when I forgot it was on because I had gone into shock and started rocking in my little white rocking chair. I can smell the remnants of the fire I had burning the night before. The smells snapped me back to reality and I made frantic calls to get plane tickets home. I found myself in the shower later, sobbing. I'm not even sure how I got there. I can still smell the Garnier Shampoo. It was in a purple bottle. the soap was pouring over my face as the water pounded against my head, each drop of water helping me become more and more numb. The smell of the oil of Olay soap I had used to scrub my skin raw still lingers in my nostrils.

Those smells. I hate them. They bring back every little detail and every pang of anxiety. The worst of all of those smells came from the following day. There were people getting bumped off of the 5:50 am flight because of the previously mentioned storm that had made its way in that morning. They let me on because of my situation. A man on the flight didn't appreciate the fact that a woman and her two small children received two of his friend's seats. He was yelling that they should bump me because they were going on a business trip and I was going on vacation in his mind. During his tirade, a group of passengers that heard my story threatened to toss him off the plane themselves if he didn't sit down and shut up. They told him why I was able to get those seats. Warm tears streamed down my cold face as the argument between the other passengers broke out. It scared my oldest. He started crying and spilled orange juice all over my black Wool coat and cream and beige scarf. The smell wouldn't leave the whole day. I could smell it for the full 12 hours I was stuck on layovers and connecting flights. The smell still reminds me of that morning. When he spilled it, I just went into hysterical laughter, as if I was mad.

That's what my hell smells like.

Domestic violence was something that wasn't really spoken of much. Plenty of movies were made about it but still, people wouldn't speak of their secret hell. Her murder, her boyfriend's murder, her killer's suicide, all of that inspired the creation of  "My Pleasant Nightmare."  I want people to know. I want people to understand. I want people to not feel alone. Most importantly, I want to remind people to stop blaming the victim.

Why is it that we blame victims?  Why do we ask "why did they stay so long?" "Why didn't they leave?" Please, please, please stop asking those questions. Can we start asking "why did their abuser commit such a horrid crime against another human being?" "Why didn't the abuser seek help?"  "Why do they feel the need to control and cause pain?"

My Aunt left her abuser. It did take her a long time. It's tricky work to get away from a crazy person. It takes time and planning and courage. Staying and putting up with abuse, living it, breathing it, feeling the physical and mental pain takes strength. Stop demeaning the abused. They are brave. The real coward is the abuser. They are so scared of losing control over a "loved one" that they keep them around using fear tactics. The abused tend not to leave for so long because they know that the abuser may just be crazy enough to follow through on their threats. That was the case with my aunt. She left and he kept his promise to kill her and ended up taking more lives in the process, her boyfriend's and his own. Now there are 3 sets of parents with one less child, and there are 2 sets of children with no father and one set of children with no mother. There are brothers who lost a sister, sisters who lost a sister, brothers with no brother, and sisters with no brother.  Aunts and uncles who lost a niece and nephews, nieces and nephews with no aunt or uncle. Grandchildren who lost grandparents. Cousins missing a cousin. The trickle effect is life changing.  The man who did this to the three of them set events into motion that changed so many lives forever. The ramifications are endless.

However, this leaves the door open for Hope. It has helped bring awareness. It brings enlightenment to communities. The town I'm from now openly speaks of domestic violence. They do walks for awareness that end at our amphitheater where many brave people who survived domestic violence get a chance to share their stories and give hope to victims currently struggling with this life.  Her story gave hope. I repeat it so often because I have received messages from some that have told me they left their relationship and made lives for themselves after reading the things I've written. I don't care if it helps just one person each time. As long as someone can turn that chapter of their book into a happy ending and can start the next chapter with a new and hopeful beginning.

To Whom it May Concern:

My sweet Adeline.  This is dedicated to you...My fierce, strong-willed, beautiful, LARGER-THAN-LIFE, overly dramatic, adventurous, amusing, determined, yet oh so delicate Angel.  I hope you read this someday and understand the importance it has, not just to in your life, but in the lives of many other young girls like you.  You are deserving of the world placed in your hands on a silver platter......You and every other young lady.  You are important, you should be heard.  You have a say in your life.  You ARE NOT a possession.  You are loved.  You are wonderful, fantastically, amazingly, YOU!  Embrace it, my sweet girl.  Embrace every ounce of life you can take in.  Live it to the fullest, and without regret.  Live it on your terms. Love with no limits. Be you.  Be Love.  Be happy.  Just BE!    You will do great things.  There is no doubt in my mind.

To whom  it may concern:

You don't deserve what has happened to you.  That light you forgot to turn off was an accident.  The towels that weren't hung evenly on the rack can be fixed later.  The crumbs on the floor aren't going anywhere.  They can wait.  Being home 5 minutes later than usual from work happens.  You can't control that.  The wrinkled sheets that you left in the dryer when your baby started fussing, or the phone rang, can be ironed later.  Leaving to visit your parents before picking up the house is not a sin.  Heating up leftovers instead of making a 5-course meal, after working a 10 hour day, happens.  Initiating conversations with others, in hopes of making a new friend, is completely normal.  Accidentally hanging a gray t-shirt in with a white one is OKAY. You don't deserve what has happened to you.  Everyone makes mistakes.

Getting beat up over little mishaps is not okay!  You are a human being, you have feelings, emotions, your body understands pain, mentally and physically.  You should not be getting kicked around, slapped around, or belittled.  This is not okay.

 It is also not setting a good example for the future women of America.  Including my daughter.  My sweet  Adeline,  I don't believe that any other parents think it's okay that their sweet little girl is being hurt either.  Or do they even know?  How long have you been hiding the abuse, and explaining away the bruises, black eyes, cuts, scrapes, and fountain of tears?  How long have you been living in this situation and suffering in silence?  How many times has a weapon been pulled, a knife held to your throat, a gun held to your head? Can you even admit it to yourself?  This is a serious question.  Can you admit it?

To whom it may concern,

If you don't want to have sex, you don't have too.  Married or not.  Making you feel guilty over it, or claiming you must be cheating on them if you don't have sex with them right this very second is emotional blackmail.  They know you will give in to this blackmail just for the sake of peace in the home.  Sex for the sake of not being beaten, or to avoid emotional abuse is NOT love, it is a crime!  It is nothing less than rape.  Married or not.  Don't forget, you are a person, a human, deserving of the right to a choice.  You are not a possession.  Yes, you heard me right.

To whom it may concern,

I have lived this life.  I am here admitting it.  I  did get away.  I did not suffer the unbearable amount of violence that so many have before me and that so many continue to suffer through.  Mine started with a fractured arm.  He was a drunk.  I came home from work at 2 am from my job waiting tables at Buffalo Wild Wings.  He was drunk, grabbed my arm, and flung me across the room.  He asked me how many men hit on me that night while working the bar side of the restaurant.  When I told him to relax, no one was hitting on me, he went on to grab me by my throat, push me down the hall, bust the screen out of our 2nd story apt building, and try to push me through.  I was able to free myself, get to the ER, and have my arm looked at.  Their first question was "How did you hurt your arm?"  My answer is what sent my life into a downward spiral.  I lied.  I answered by saying "I fell down the stairs" From then on, it was excuse after excuse.  I was so scared, and embarrassed, to tell the truth, that when I was given a black eye (while holding my 2-year-old) and was knocked unconscious, people would ask what happened, and I would laugh and say "You'd be amazed at the strength of a 2-year-old's right hook"  Yes,  I blamed the black eye on my 2-year-old, and shoved it off as an accident during a rough housing episode.  I've been chased with knives and held down on the floor with a knee in the chest, and two hands around my neck while my 2-year-old son slept peacefully down the hall, never knowing that his mother was being strangled.  Guess what though?  I got brave.  I was bigger than him at the time.  I had put on a lot of weight because of the depression.  I felt I could take him.  I wiggled an arm free, and do you know what I did????   I fought back!!!  I punched him right in the face.  Blood spewed everywhere.  I took control.  I saved myself!  Guess what happened next though?  You're going to love this.  He called the cops on me.  ON ME!!!!  Reported that I was going crazy and beating him.  This is what an abuser does.  I don't have to tell you that though.  You too are living this life too.

To you, the person this concerns,

You can leave.  You can find a support system elsewhere if you don't have anyone to help you.  There are multiple shelters with safeguards in place.  Places like this fabulous organization called DomesticShelters.org  They will help you locate a shelter with just a few clicks of your mouse.  They even have a "leave site button to provide a quick escape if your abuser walks in. It takes you to a weather website as soon as you click it and it's all free.  There are people who desperately want to help.  There are resources available.  YOU CAN DO THIS.

To whom it may concern,

Leaving is scary.  My Aunt left.  She got her divorce and thought she was going to move on and be happy, and she was until she took her last breath.  Her ex-husband stalked her, got into her house, and shot her in the back of the head with a sawed-off shotgun while she was asleep, peacefully, next to a new man.  One who loved her, and cared for her.  One that made her smile every day,  She knew she was going to die when she left.  She said it over and over.  She took every precaution, but it just wasn't enough.  She's gone.  She's left, 3 children.  Her ex killed the new man in her life as well, then the abuser turned the gun on himself.

This event tore us up.  This tragedy ripped our family to shreds.  The shine in the eyes of my family faded a little that day.  The happy go lucky days of family gatherings and laughter have lessened.  The laughter from the days before her passing is just an echo in my memories.  There isn't a day that any of us don't think about her.  These events stick with a family.  The pain fades but doesn't leave.  The happiness returns, but it's tarnished.   The only glimmering eyes I see, are those of my babies.  My youngest most innocent baby helps keep the light flickering.  The innocence in her heart helps make life simple again.  Sometimes life feels normal and unchanged.  I  have the innocents, the children,  my children, my cousin's children, all the children to thank for that.  The small pure souls of happy children bring my family back to life when they're around. Their unconditional love, their giggles, their smiles, their kind hearts.  They make things OKAY.  Even if it's just for a short time, it's better than no time.

To whom it may concern:
This was not meant to scare you away from leaving a bad situation.  This story, this very real story, was meant to prevent our future young ladies from getting into this kind of relationship.  The cycle needs to be broken, and it starts with us.  With moms raising good young men, and aware young women.

To whom it may concern,

I can't tell you what to do.  I can't tell you that you're stupid for staying. I get it.  I can tell you that there are far more survivors than deaths.  I can tell you that it's really hard to break free of a cycle that is ingrained in you.  I can tell you that I do understand, and I don't judge you.  I can tell you that you aren't stupid, but you should find help.  I can tell you that I don't want you to end up dead.  I can tell you that abusers do not change.  Don't believe them.  Their pleas for a second chance are nothing more than an emotional attack on your already fragile soul.  It's just more manipulation to keep you under their thumb....to keep them in control.  I can tell you that they do mean business when it comes to NEEDING that control over you.  I can tell you that YOU, the person this concerns, DESERVES HAPPINESS.  Yes, you!

Sincerely,
Tia
www.mypleasantnightmare.com
Domestic Violence Awareness Advocate
Mother of a beautiful daughter, and two sweet boys.

 My family and I doing a walk for Domestic Violence Awareness.

You can watch the walk video here.  They interviewed my grandma, and a woman who survived be shot in the back of the head. A woman's strength is truly amazing!! 


How can you tell if your daughter may be in a potentially abusive situation?  Assess her situation using these guidelines that I borrowed from West Island Women's Shelter

How can I tell if a man I’m seeing will become abusive? Early Warning Signs:

He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners

A certain amount of anger and resentment toward an ex-partner is normal but beware of the man who is very focused on his bitterness or who tells you about it inappropriately early on in your dating. Be especially cautious of the man who talks about women from his past in degrading or condescending ways or who characterizes himself as a victim of abuse by women. Be alert if he says that his previous wife or girlfriend falsely accused him of being abusive-try to get her side of the story. Be cautious of a man who says that you are nothing like the other women he has been involved with, that you are the first partner to treat him well, or that earlier women in his life have not understood him.

He is disrespectful towards you

Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows. If a man puts you down or sneers at your opinions, if he is rude to you in front of others, if he is cutting or sarcastic, he is communicating a lack of respect.

He does favors that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable

These can be signs of a man who is attempting to create a sense of indebtedness.

He is possessive and jealous

Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that abuse is down the road. Possessiveness masquerades as love. Jealous feelings are not the same as behaviors. A man with insecurities may naturally feel anxious about your associations with other men, especially ex-partners, and might want some reassurance. But if he indicates that he expects you to give up your freedom to accommodate his jealousy, control is creeping up. Possessiveness shows that he doesn’t love you as an independent human being but rather as a guarded treasure. After a while, you will feel suffocated by his constant vigilance.

He is self-centered            

Watch out for a man that does most of the talking, listens poorly when you speak, chronically switches the topic of conversation back to himself. Self-Centeredness is a personality characteristic that is highly resistant to change, as it has deep roots in profound entitlement or to severe emotional injuries (in non-abusers) or both (in narcissistic abusers)      

Nothing is ever his fault

He blames something or someone for anything that goes wrong. As time goes by, his target of blame increasingly becomes you. He may make promises he can’t keep, coming up with a stream of excuses for disappointing you or behaving irresponsibly, and perhaps taking serious economic advantage of you in the process.

He gets too serious too quickly about the relationship

Watch out if he jumps too soon into planning your future together without taking enough time to get to know you and grow close because it can mean he’s trying to wrap you up tightly into a package that he can own. If he won’t respect your wishes to slow things down, there is probably trouble ahead.

He abuses drugs or alcohol

Although substances do not cause partner abuse, they often go hand in hand.

He pressures you for sex

Not respecting your wishes or feelings regarding sex speaks of exploitativeness, which in turn goes with abuse. It also is a sign of seeing women as sex objects rather than human beings. If he says you need to have sex with him to prove that you truly love and care for him, this is a sure sign of abusiveness.

He intimidates you when he is angry

Intimidation, even if it appears unintentional, is a sure sign that emotional abuse is on the way or has already begun-and is a warning flag that physical violence may eventually follow.

Intimidation includes:

• Getting too close to you when he is angry, putting a finger in your face, poking you, pushing you, blocking your way or restraining you.
• He tells you that he is “just trying to make you listen.”
• He raises a fist, towers over you, shouts at you, or behaves in any way that makes you flinch or feel afraid.
• He makes vaguely threatening comments, such as, “you don’t want to see me mad” or “you don’t know who you’re messing with.”
• He drives recklessly or speeds up when he is angry.
• He punches walls or kicks doors.
• He throws things around, even if they don’t hit you.

He has double standards

Beware of a man who has a different set of rules for his behavior than for yours.

He has negative attitudes toward women

Stereotyped beliefs about women’s sex roles also contribute to the risk of abuse. His conviction that women should take care of the home, or that a man’s career is more important than woman’s, can become a serious problem, because he may punish you when you start refusing to live in his box.  Women sometimes find it challenging to meet men who don’t have restrictive beliefs about women’s roles, particularly within certain cultural or national groups, but the effort to meet such men is an important one. 

He treats you differently around other people

Adult abusers tend to put on a show of treating their partners like gold when everyone is watching, reserving most of their abuse for times when no one else will see. In teenage abusers, the opposite is often true. He may be rude and cold with her in front of other people to impress his friends with how “in control” and “cool” he is but be somewhat nicer when they are alone together.

He appears to be attracted to vulnerability

Some abusive men are attracted to women much younger and/or at different developmental and maturity levels than them, or they may be attracted to women that have had a recent traumatic experience. He is attracted to the power imbalance in this type of relationship.

A Woman's Worst Nightmare

It's that time of the year again.  Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  This year I want to take a moment to answer the question the spews from every person who has never been on the receiving end of Domestic Violence.

Why do they stay?

That is a really good question, and while most people will answer with a "I have no clue.", "They're just stupid!", or "They are so brainwashed by now that they don't want to leave".  I am going to explain the real reason. 

They are afraid of death.  They are afraid of never seeing their children again.  They are just not ready to meet their maker.  

Getting out of an abusive relationship isn't always how the big screen depicts it.  Not everyone has the means to fake their own death, steal a dead person's social security number, change their appearance, and move across country, taking their kids with them.  

LIFE IS NOT A MOVIE

This is reality folks.  Sure, there are women's shelters that can help get you out.  With all of the security measures these shelters have in place, it still doesn't keep you safe.  Once you leave, you need a job, money, a car.  If you have a child with this person there will be custody battles.  If the abuser is controlling enough to resort to violence, there is no doubt that they will let their control over their child (and child's mind) get away that easily.  Leaving an abusive relationship takes a lot of planning and work.  A restraining order will not protect you, your child, or your family.  It will not make everything disappear.  Restraining orders and women's shelters are not a cure all for an abusive relationship.  They are a bandage on the wound.  

THAT IS A COLD HARD FACT

WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT

I believe there are some things that may help stop an abusive relationship. You may disagree, and that's okay.  There are things that can be done to keep the victim of abuse safe.  It's not having them runaway and leave, or try to hide them in some far off tiny town.  If a victim of Domestic violence calls the police after an attack and agrees to press charges, the abuser should be held in jail with no bail until the abuser can be committed to a mental health facility for treatment. Going to jail overnight and being released on bail is helping no one.  It's a waste of taxpayer dollars.  These abusers have serious mental issues.  They are not rational, they have control problems, and probably witnessed abuse in their own home as a child.  They need help and medication.  Will it fix the problem for everyone?  No.  It might turn some lives around though. 

IT MIGHT PREVENT A MURDER

It might have prevented my Aunt's murder, and her boyfriend's murder.  She might have awoken on that cold winter morning of January 9, 2011.  Her children might still have a mother.  Her family may not of had to have the argument of closed or open casket.  She was shot in the back of the head.  My mother had to go look at her before the showing to approve her appearance.  No one should ever have to be concerned that the glue won't hold the fake hair and an ear in place for the duration of a showing.  Trying to figure out how to hide half a missing head should never happen to a family!  Hearing that we were lucky she was sleeping on her stomach because otherwise we'd not even have a face to look at, is not something a family should have to be grateful for.  Her boyfriends family wasn't so "Lucky".  He was sleeping on his back.  

This was all done by a shot gun that her ex stole from his father. So you can only imagine the mark that left.  

So, back to that question everybody always asks,

WHY DON'T THE VICTIMS LEAVE?

She was 43.  She left. She got her divorce.  She got that restraining order.  He continued to stalk her.  She renewed the restraining order.  He stole a key to her house from their son without him knowing.  He walked into her home while she was asleep.  He aimed and shot her.  He then aimed and shot her boyfriend. Then he proceeded to call 911.  He told them what he did.  Then he left, drove his van to his parents home, wrote a nonsensical suicide note, and then aimed and shot himself in the head.  Her youngest child, now 13, became parentless.  His sister, who is only in her mid 20's went from being a mom of a toddler and 2 step-children, to having to raise her teenage brother as well.  

So, before you judge Domestic Abuse victims, consider why some of them might stay.  It's not always because they are stupid, or brainwashed.  They are scared that something like this could happen to them...to their families.  They are scared of leaving their children without parents.  This isn't a game to them.  This is serious.  For everyone involved.  

I do believe victims should speak up but only if it is safe for them, or if there is a child being harmed.  If they feel leaving will result in death, they should not be pushed to leave.  They should be supported by their friends and family.  We can be a shoulder for them to cry on, an ear for them to confide in, and a safe haven for them if and when they are ready.  Don't leave their side because you think they are stupid for staying. That will isolate them even further, and they may never get the courage to leave.  Be their light at the end of the tunnel.  Just don't keep asking to flip the light on.  Wait until they're ready to leave the darkness. 

You can read the news story of what happened to my aunt and her boyfriend HERE.

Did you know that her death is the reason I started writing?  If I ever get a book deal from this blog, the dedication page will have her name on it ;)  

You can read all of the posts inspired by this horrific tragedy by clicking RIGHT HERE 

If you are living in an abusive relationship and WANT help, there is a website with a ton of info!  

Click -----> HERE 

If you are worried that your computer is being monitored DO NOT use a website.  Make an excuse to leave the home and call from a payphone or a friends phone.

October, There is More To is Than Feeling Boobies!!

October is here.  That means everyone's lives will start revolving around the wonderful, glorious, remarkably sought after Boob.  While, I agree that saving the boobies are very important there is something else I have to bring awareness too.  Something that is very close to my heart.  Something that is just not advocated for enough.

Not only is October "Breast Cancer Awareness" month it is also "Domestic Violence Awareness" month.  Sure, I know, it is WAY more fun to run around in shirts that are pretty and pink and in bold letters say "SAVE THE TA TA'S".  I know that men love running around offering to feel our boobies for us in an effort to "check" for breast cancer.  I know this specific cancer involves pretty colored jewelry, ribbons, stickers, shirts, and lots of fun variations of the word "breast".  However, there are other lives at stake and these people need help too.

Awareness needs to be brought to the violence that families all over the world suffer.  Yeah, yeah, I know what you probably want to say, "Why don't these people leave their situation?"  and "Well, cancer can't be controlled, you can't leave cancer but you don't have to stay with an abuser!"  What if I told you, you were wrong.  That's right! W-R-O-N-G!

How do I know?  I was married to a psychotic, drunken loser who tried pushing me out windows, punched me when things didn't go his way, chased me around the house with knives, tried to keep me locked up in my home, threatened my life constantly, all while our child watched.  He told me if he left he didn't know what he would do.  He told me once he'd hunt me down and hurt me and once he told me he'd kill himself.

"Oh is that all?" you ask.

I know it doesn't sound like much but it hurts.  It hurts physically and mentally.  That's not the only way I know you would be wrong by saying that it is easier to leave though.  If you are new to my life you may be unaware that my Aunt Julie (my mom's sister) and her boyfriend, Tom were murdered 1 year, 8 months, and 22 days ago.  It was a double murder, suicide.  It was the worst, most horrifying call of my life.  A call nobody wants.  A call that literally put me into shock and dropped me to my knees.  I had to double check to make sure I was awake.  The voice on the other end didn't seem real.  I could barely understand it.  It was my mother.  The first words from her mouth were "Tia, the bastard shot her!  He shot her in the head!  That bastard killed my sister"  then is was sobbing.  Sobbing on both ends of the phone.  To make matters worse I was 888 miles away and there were no flights out that day.

You can read an article about it by clicking
-----> HERE

Why did the bastard shoot her, you ask?  Oh, it's simple.  She left.  She left him to get away from the hell she had been living.

So, please, please, please do not make snap judgments about people who are stuck in these relationships.  Be supportive.  Be there.  Be a listening ear.  Be a crying shoulder.  Be an escape.  Be a friend.  Don't be an "I told ya so".  Don't be a judge.  If you are a true friend, just be there.  When an abused family member or friend is ready, they will come to you for help.  They know their situation is bad.  They know what they should do.  They know they need to get away.  Do you think they WANT to be there?   My Aunt stuck around for 12 years!  She lived through and endured 12 years of pure hell!  Why didn't she leave sooner?  Well, do we really need to ask now?

Are you a Domestic Violence Sufferer in need of support?
Do you need more information on Domestic Violence and understanding what it is?
Please call this number::

Domestic Violence Hotline::1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

You can also visit their website by clicking
-----> HERE

You can go back to many of my other blogs and read about this horror story and how I dealt with it by clicking any of these links::

Part 1. Just a few thoughts from the week...

Part III. Anybody know where I went?

How much are our thoughts really worth?

Does forgiving someone mean I also have to forget?

Pass the purple thread please....  (this was the one year anniversary)

I truly hope that everyone will take some time this month to get the word out about Domestic Violence!!

Thanks for reading!

Pass the purple thread please....

some hearts are in need of mending right now... 

R.I.P JULIE ANN BOCK

Tomorrow it will be a year.  <----my first sentence and I am already weeping a little. This last year has been full of trials for my family and friends of the family and a year we will never forget.  

A year of loss.  A year of tragedy.  A year of fear and hate, cursing and condemnation. A year of confusion and frustration.  A year of uncertainty.  For some a year of learning to forgive, a year of figuring out how to cope, a year of moving forward and for a couple it seems as though it made no impact.  There are also some who have lost their way.  On this night, one year ago, my Aunt Julie went to bed happy with her boyfriend, Tom and the two of them never woke up the next day.  They were both found, shot in the head.  Sadly over jealousy from a possessive, and abusive ex-husband, who took his own life that same day.  

What have I learned over the course of this year?  

*Families who suffer a loss like this can be ripped apart. 

*Some men don't learn from things like this and try to change, they actually make it a point to act worse.  Maybe because of the added attention?  I find abusive men to be 2 year old's at heart.  They throw a tantrum and whine then lay a guilt trip and promise no more bad behavior if you just please don't punish them!!  Then 2 hours later they are back at it.    

*Every situation is looked at differently and through different eyes.  Your view on the world goes from rose colored glasses, rainbows and daisies to black and white. 

*Forgiveness is freeing but not completely. As , one can never forget. 

*A family can't mend without the right stitch. 

Oh dear Lord!!! It is hard to remember. Not in the terms as I have forgotten.  I haven't.  I remember her face in the casket, I remember the rose covering a bad spot in the side of her head so that we could have an open casket, I remember the pink veil over her and I remember the feel of her lifeless hand.  I remember the smell of the funeral home.  I remember having to explain murder to my almost 6 year old.  I remember the phone ringing at 7:22 am on a sunday morning.  I remember the sobbing and the anger on the other end.  I remember hugging my grandparents when I saw them for the first time after the news.  I remember frantically trying to book a flight and I remember the ice and snow that almost got my flight cancelled.  I even remember the flight being over booked and a man telling me that since my kids and I were just probably on vacation could I take a later flight.  I remember starting to sob and another man who knew what happened yelling at the man not to make assumptions about peoples lives and destinations.  I remember my sobbing scared Hunter and he spilled a whole cup of orange juice down my shirt.  (which made me really look crazy because I hysterically started laughing and sobbing at the same time) I remember seeing my dad and my sister when I got off the plane.  I remember the hugs from family and sadness in everyone's eyes.  It was a sadness I had never seen before.  A deep, real, painful, lost kind of sadness.  I remember all of us falling asleep in the living room for a week, too scared to leave the others side, maybe? Maybe to painful to just move from the couch to a bed? I don't know why we did it but we did.  I remember everything!  I can feel it.  It's like I am back there again.  I remember every detail.  Even though I WANT to forget.  I can't.  The shock was intimidating.  I don't think I had ever experienced true shock.  WOW!!  Like I said, It's hard to remember.  It hurts to remember.  I really wish I could forget the details.  I won't though.  How do you forget something like this?  You don't, and that is something I am trying to make peace with.

I really hope my beautiful Aunt Julie is resting in peace! 

A very old picture but one of my faves.  This was before her 3rd child, Aaron was born.  

clicking here will take you to the news story for those who are clueless about this part of my life. 

Clicking this will take you to the Domestic Violence Hotline.  Please don't live in silence!!  

Does forgiving someone mean I also have to forget?

Mark 11:25
²⁵ And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” 




I have been reading this verse over and over.  I NEED to read it.  I have been hurt over the years by some people and I have held on to the anger.  Doing this has gotten me nowhere.  It has made me a different person, an angry person, an uptight person, and a medicated person. 


Will I ever be the same person I once was?  Probably not, and I'm okay with that. I can learn to adapt and play the cards I've been dealt. I'm accepting things slowly. 


In recent months I have learned that you cannot accept the present with out being forgiving and finding acceptance with the past.  So this is me officially stating for all to see. I am going to take this particular scripture to heart and try to follow it.  


I am letting this anger go! I am forgiving those that have hurt my family and me. I am forgiving those who have taken pieces of my life that are irreplaceable. These people may have broken my heart, my spirit, my family and even my faith at times.  Its okay to break a part of me, but it wasn't ok to steal things I can never get back. 


I am forgiving all of you and it will make my life better, make me better and make me lighter. You all will not weigh me down anymore. I am taking control back! 


I don't want any regrets in my life and I know I will regret wasting my energy on those that have hurt me. I want my whole heart to be happy again. I also want to give what I expect to receive! God has helped me through all of this and and I know that with all of the time he has spent helping me deal with these things I suspect he would be quite disappointed to find that I let anger,harsh words, frowns, tears and a bad attitude take over my life. 

How much are our thoughts really worth?

Music is inspiring. It can make you think. Everyone hears something different in a song. You can find anything you want to in song lyrics. Some people find comfort, some find happiness, the meaning of life, darkness, or anger, some people relate to one another through something as simple as music. Funny how the simple thoughts of one persons mind can make you realize things or understand things in ways you never thought you could.

The Band Perry's song "If I Die Young" has a portion in it that really made me think. It opened my eyes to something I have personally struggled with in the past and what ultimately ended up killing my aunt and so many other women.


"A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner

And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’"

Funny how so many women suffer an abusive relationship in silence. People question why? They ask "why would you be with someone like that?" "why do you stay around if he treats you so bad?" funny nobody really listens to your answer. It's fear. Fear of what will happen. Fear of if there will be a tomorrow. People who have not experienced the hold of a crazy man cannot understand. So asking for help can be hard. When you finally get the strength to ask for help out of the situation there's not always a lot of real support. There is however a lot of lecturing and questioning and "advice". Sadly cries for help often go unheard because many who are there listening aren't hearing. That's why that part of the song I have in quotes above touched me so deeply.

Those women who suffer emotional or physical abuse aren't always heard or understood. Why don't women leave these situations?? Why did Aunt Julie suffer through for 12 years? Can you understand now? Do you see why women live in fear of leaving these situations? Do you care about the thoughts running through the heads of these women who feel trapped? Why didn't she leave her relattionship sooner? I never had to ask. I knew. The minute I heard she left him my first thought was "he's going to kill her"

Most of the time though people don't realize the consequences suffered from being strong and leaving and a lot of the time when fear of leaving is expressed people listen but don't hear. They don't hear until it's too late. It's sad. It's hard for many women. My ex is crazy. I still wonder if his psycho ass will hunt me and Shane down one day and show up at my door. I only wonder though. I've moved on from fear. I'm not a bad shot and like I always said and will continue to say "I shoot first and call 911 later" my days of being scared are over. Now the only this I fear is wasting a bullet on his sorry ass.

So back to the point don't wait until it's too late to listen. You don't want to pay such a high price of finding out someones thoughts the hard way when you can call them up and pay the penny...

Part III. Anybody know where I went?

I am at a loss.  I am not me.  I feel broken or lost.  Images have raced through my mind all week. I have played scenarios over and over and over again in my head of the way the night's events may or may not have unfolded.  


Something everyone should know about me is that I am a thinker.  I constant non stop thinker.  Ideas and thoughts are constantly running through my head.  So much so that without some sort of sleep aid I cannot and will not fall asleep at night.  My wheels spin constantly with no conclusions in sight.  They are going just to be going.  Its one thought after another and it sometimes has a big affect on my daily life. 


So you can only imagine the way my wheels are turning with everything that is happening.  I am experiencing so many emotions.  My heart is breaking, not only out of grief for the loss of my aunt but, out of seeing the grief and the pain and the misery the rest of my family is suffering.  It hurts me to see so much pain strike a family that is usually so happy, crazy, fun, and upbeat.  My heart literally hurts when I look at my other Aunts and Uncles. It hurts to see my grandparents.  The girl who is never at a loss for words is speechless.


  I have such a strong personality. I have a terrible time containing my thoughts and sarcasm.  Thats how I taught myself to cope with my previous life with my ex-crazy husband.  This is the person I have become and I can't change it but I am trying my damnedest to contain it.  So much so that I may have lost it.  That being said I feel like I have lost a part of me.  The most important part.  The part that protects me.  


I have noticed myself walking around the house in a daze.  I have been blank.  Kind of emotionless.  I'm not sure where I went but, I'm not here.  It's a little scary. I feel like "I" may never be the same person.  Even though the person I was, was not the greatest person and not many people liked or understood my personality, it was still me an I liked me. 


I'm not quite sure where I am going with all of this but I just needed something to put my words down on. Somewhere to try and work out my thoughts besides in my head. (not sure how much more my brain can take) 


Now I am just praying I can get the images and thoughts out of my head. I don't think I ever will though........

Part II. This is why I am an advocate for Guns!

As the week has unfolded I have heard different thoughts and ideas on guns.  Mostly I have heard, "this is why we need more gun laws".  This is where I have to say those who make this statement are gravely misinformed.  

Gun Laws take guns out of the hands of law abiding citizens and puts them in the hands of criminals.  A lot of people don't understand how this works.  If you put stricter laws in place and keep people from having access to weapons this is how the weapons black market starts.  Its no different than drug rings, or when they had prohibition on alcohol.  People get what they want. Especially criminals.  

Let me ask you a question.  If you were thinking about going to a store to rob it would you have second thoughts about doing that if you knew that 7 out of the 10 people in that store carry a gun on their hip or in their purse?  Would it make you worry that if were going to stick up that store that its you against 7 people with weapons? 

Let me tell you a little about my home. I keep a shot gun next to my bed.  In arms reach.  I hear the slightest abnormal noise and you better believe I am up with my gun in hand.  I also sleep with a .45 in my bedside table and I have a beautiful hunting rifle with a great scope as well as a Judge Taurus in my home. Now let me ask this, does it change your mind about breaking into my home and trying to hurt me or my children?  Does it make you think twice that I will shoot first and call 911 later.  Do you understand that if there is an attack on my home I have a spray shot loaded in my shot gun first and a kill shot slug loaded second? I will shoot to kill because that cop is not getting that criminals side of the story! Who's willing to test me now?

Gun laws are not protection.  Look at the stats.  Do your research!  There are more violent crimes in areas with strict gun laws.  Criminals buy weapons from the black market and they have no serial numbers and are not accounted for.  Thus, leaving the criminals off the hook because there is no way to track the weapon leaving them unaccountable. 

Just take some time to think about this. I mean really think about it.  With an open mind.  Do some research and if you live some where that is for stricter gun laws vote those people out and get some new people in office who support gun rights instead.  You will see a change in your community over time.

(My first target practice last year and yes, I'm the one in the other pictures)

Part 1. Just a few thoughts from the week...

I just don't know where to start or the words to start with. I am sick. It's like a bad dream you just can't get yourself to wake up from. You hear about things like this on the news daily and think "how tragic" or "that poor family". Do you ever sit and think, "WHEN this happens to my family"? No, if you are like me you probably think "Thank God! This would NEVER happen to my family" There is not a family in the world safe from tragedy. I thought there was, I thought it was mine. Now I know how stupid I was for thinking such an ignorant thought. How stupid could I be? Looks like.....PRETTY DARN STUPID!

I know death, I've experienced loss. It hurts. It's painful. It's hard. It's also inevitable. As you become an adult you become more and more aware that death isn't out of your families reach. You come to terms with that and accept that. You never learn to ignore it and you are never free of that loss but you know that eventually your friends an family will age, get diagnosed with a disease or cancer or have a terrible car accident. I could accept that. I would be devastated but eventually I could accept the loss. Losing a loved one because another person was angry and made a decision to end a life for the sole purpose of revenge is not as easy to accept. To go into the home of a sleeping woman and her boyfriend and killing them is not acceptable! Taking someone's life because you can't let go is not acceptable! It's no where near acceptable! It's unfathomable! Then to be such a coward and end your own life makes it worse.

Now I can't ask "why", I can't yell, I can't scream at him or visit him in jail to remind him of what he has done. How he left his own 12 year old son without parents, how he left a beautiful young mother with out her own mother to look to for help and advice, how he left a wonderful young man, who still has so much to learn from his mother, alone. What about her mother and father? No one should have to bury a child! She had sisters and brothers........it should be many years before they have to experience this loss. My heart aches for my family. It breaks every time I hear certain songs or look at certain pictures or listen to stories from others. I love, no not loved, LOVE, my aunt.(I'm not using past tense because I still love her) I can't picture our family without her. Maybe as time passes the wounds will heal, the anger will fade and the pain with ease. Maybe I am kidding myself. I don't know. There is a lot I don't know. One thing I do know is, I am tire of playing "what if". I play different scenarios in my head constantly. I have to put that game away, it is getting me no where. I am really bad at this game. I have never won the "what if" game and I don't see myself winning in the near future.

I have no regrets though. I was lucky enough to have had the chance to see her before this happened. I was able to tell her I loved her and I am blessed with all of the memories her and I have shared. I have no clue if any of this makes any sense. Honestly, I don't care if it does. This is MY outlet and writing/typing my feelings is my release. This is how I show emotion. I can get it all out this way and whoever wants to read can and for those that don't, they can ignore this. Writing makes me feel as though I am not annoying anyone with my troubles because its your choice to read.