A Woman's Worst Nightmare

It's that time of the year again.  Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  This year I want to take a moment to answer the question the spews from every person who has never been on the receiving end of Domestic Violence.

Why do they stay?

That is a really good question, and while most people will answer with a "I have no clue.", "They're just stupid!", or "They are so brainwashed by now that they don't want to leave".  I am going to explain the real reason. 

They are afraid of death.  They are afraid of never seeing their children again.  They are just not ready to meet their maker.  

Getting out of an abusive relationship isn't always how the big screen depicts it.  Not everyone has the means to fake their own death, steal a dead person's social security number, change their appearance, and move across country, taking their kids with them.  

LIFE IS NOT A MOVIE

This is reality folks.  Sure, there are women's shelters that can help get you out.  With all of the security measures these shelters have in place, it still doesn't keep you safe.  Once you leave, you need a job, money, a car.  If you have a child with this person there will be custody battles.  If the abuser is controlling enough to resort to violence, there is no doubt that they will let their control over their child (and child's mind) get away that easily.  Leaving an abusive relationship takes a lot of planning and work.  A restraining order will not protect you, your child, or your family.  It will not make everything disappear.  Restraining orders and women's shelters are not a cure all for an abusive relationship.  They are a bandage on the wound.  

THAT IS A COLD HARD FACT

WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT

I believe there are some things that may help stop an abusive relationship. You may disagree, and that's okay.  There are things that can be done to keep the victim of abuse safe.  It's not having them runaway and leave, or try to hide them in some far off tiny town.  If a victim of Domestic violence calls the police after an attack and agrees to press charges, the abuser should be held in jail with no bail until the abuser can be committed to a mental health facility for treatment. Going to jail overnight and being released on bail is helping no one.  It's a waste of taxpayer dollars.  These abusers have serious mental issues.  They are not rational, they have control problems, and probably witnessed abuse in their own home as a child.  They need help and medication.  Will it fix the problem for everyone?  No.  It might turn some lives around though. 

IT MIGHT PREVENT A MURDER

It might have prevented my Aunt's murder, and her boyfriend's murder.  She might have awoken on that cold winter morning of January 9, 2011.  Her children might still have a mother.  Her family may not of had to have the argument of closed or open casket.  She was shot in the back of the head.  My mother had to go look at her before the showing to approve her appearance.  No one should ever have to be concerned that the glue won't hold the fake hair and an ear in place for the duration of a showing.  Trying to figure out how to hide half a missing head should never happen to a family!  Hearing that we were lucky she was sleeping on her stomach because otherwise we'd not even have a face to look at, is not something a family should have to be grateful for.  Her boyfriends family wasn't so "Lucky".  He was sleeping on his back.  

This was all done by a shot gun that her ex stole from his father. So you can only imagine the mark that left.  

So, back to that question everybody always asks,

WHY DON'T THE VICTIMS LEAVE?

She was 43.  She left. She got her divorce.  She got that restraining order.  He continued to stalk her.  She renewed the restraining order.  He stole a key to her house from their son without him knowing.  He walked into her home while she was asleep.  He aimed and shot her.  He then aimed and shot her boyfriend. Then he proceeded to call 911.  He told them what he did.  Then he left, drove his van to his parents home, wrote a nonsensical suicide note, and then aimed and shot himself in the head.  Her youngest child, now 13, became parentless.  His sister, who is only in her mid 20's went from being a mom of a toddler and 2 step-children, to having to raise her teenage brother as well.  

So, before you judge Domestic Abuse victims, consider why some of them might stay.  It's not always because they are stupid, or brainwashed.  They are scared that something like this could happen to them...to their families.  They are scared of leaving their children without parents.  This isn't a game to them.  This is serious.  For everyone involved.  

I do believe victims should speak up but only if it is safe for them, or if there is a child being harmed.  If they feel leaving will result in death, they should not be pushed to leave.  They should be supported by their friends and family.  We can be a shoulder for them to cry on, an ear for them to confide in, and a safe haven for them if and when they are ready.  Don't leave their side because you think they are stupid for staying. That will isolate them even further, and they may never get the courage to leave.  Be their light at the end of the tunnel.  Just don't keep asking to flip the light on.  Wait until they're ready to leave the darkness. 

You can read the news story of what happened to my aunt and her boyfriend HERE.

Did you know that her death is the reason I started writing?  If I ever get a book deal from this blog, the dedication page will have her name on it ;)  

You can read all of the posts inspired by this horrific tragedy by clicking RIGHT HERE 

If you are living in an abusive relationship and WANT help, there is a website with a ton of info!  

Click -----> HERE 

If you are worried that your computer is being monitored DO NOT use a website.  Make an excuse to leave the home and call from a payphone or a friends phone.