Part 1. Just a few thoughts from the week...

I just don't know where to start or the words to start with. I am sick. It's like a bad dream you just can't get yourself to wake up from. You hear about things like this on the news daily and think "how tragic" or "that poor family". Do you ever sit and think, "WHEN this happens to my family"? No, if you are like me you probably think "Thank God! This would NEVER happen to my family" There is not a family in the world safe from tragedy. I thought there was, I thought it was mine. Now I know how stupid I was for thinking such an ignorant thought. How stupid could I be? Looks like.....PRETTY DARN STUPID!

I know death, I've experienced loss. It hurts. It's painful. It's hard. It's also inevitable. As you become an adult you become more and more aware that death isn't out of your families reach. You come to terms with that and accept that. You never learn to ignore it and you are never free of that loss but you know that eventually your friends an family will age, get diagnosed with a disease or cancer or have a terrible car accident. I could accept that. I would be devastated but eventually I could accept the loss. Losing a loved one because another person was angry and made a decision to end a life for the sole purpose of revenge is not as easy to accept. To go into the home of a sleeping woman and her boyfriend and killing them is not acceptable! Taking someone's life because you can't let go is not acceptable! It's no where near acceptable! It's unfathomable! Then to be such a coward and end your own life makes it worse.

Now I can't ask "why", I can't yell, I can't scream at him or visit him in jail to remind him of what he has done. How he left his own 12 year old son without parents, how he left a beautiful young mother with out her own mother to look to for help and advice, how he left a wonderful young man, who still has so much to learn from his mother, alone. What about her mother and father? No one should have to bury a child! She had sisters and brothers........it should be many years before they have to experience this loss. My heart aches for my family. It breaks every time I hear certain songs or look at certain pictures or listen to stories from others. I love, no not loved, LOVE, my aunt.(I'm not using past tense because I still love her) I can't picture our family without her. Maybe as time passes the wounds will heal, the anger will fade and the pain with ease. Maybe I am kidding myself. I don't know. There is a lot I don't know. One thing I do know is, I am tire of playing "what if". I play different scenarios in my head constantly. I have to put that game away, it is getting me no where. I am really bad at this game. I have never won the "what if" game and I don't see myself winning in the near future.

I have no regrets though. I was lucky enough to have had the chance to see her before this happened. I was able to tell her I loved her and I am blessed with all of the memories her and I have shared. I have no clue if any of this makes any sense. Honestly, I don't care if it does. This is MY outlet and writing/typing my feelings is my release. This is how I show emotion. I can get it all out this way and whoever wants to read can and for those that don't, they can ignore this. Writing makes me feel as though I am not annoying anyone with my troubles because its your choice to read.