I am at a loss. I am not me. I feel broken or lost. Images have raced through my mind all week. I have played scenarios over and over and over again in my head of the way the night's events may or may not have unfolded.
Something everyone should know about me is that I am a thinker. I constant non stop thinker. Ideas and thoughts are constantly running through my head. So much so that without some sort of sleep aid I cannot and will not fall asleep at night. My wheels spin constantly with no conclusions in sight. They are going just to be going. Its one thought after another and it sometimes has a big affect on my daily life.
So you can only imagine the way my wheels are turning with everything that is happening. I am experiencing so many emotions. My heart is breaking, not only out of grief for the loss of my aunt but, out of seeing the grief and the pain and the misery the rest of my family is suffering. It hurts me to see so much pain strike a family that is usually so happy, crazy, fun, and upbeat. My heart literally hurts when I look at my other Aunts and Uncles. It hurts to see my grandparents. The girl who is never at a loss for words is speechless.
I have such a strong personality. I have a terrible time containing my thoughts and sarcasm. Thats how I taught myself to cope with my previous life with my ex-crazy husband. This is the person I have become and I can't change it but I am trying my damnedest to contain it. So much so that I may have lost it. That being said I feel like I have lost a part of me. The most important part. The part that protects me.
I have noticed myself walking around the house in a daze. I have been blank. Kind of emotionless. I'm not sure where I went but, I'm not here. It's a little scary. I feel like "I" may never be the same person. Even though the person I was, was not the greatest person and not many people liked or understood my personality, it was still me an I liked me.
I'm not quite sure where I am going with all of this but I just needed something to put my words down on. Somewhere to try and work out my thoughts besides in my head. (not sure how much more my brain can take)
Now I am just praying I can get the images and thoughts out of my head. I don't think I ever will though........
I used to watch David Letterman constantly. I loved his show and he cracked me up because he has that dry wit like someone I know ;)
ReplyDeleteWhen Septemeber 11 happened and he returned to air, he didn't know what to do. He was lost and afraid to laugh or smile again which is not the greatest for a late night show. He had Dan Rathers (or Walter Concrike?) on there one night and he bawled. It was stunning because a comdeian and a huge news anchor are both people who are forbidden in a way to cry. David Letterman did not know how to continue the show and he kept saying "How do we ever get back to doing a comedy show? Somehow he did, it was a gradual process, which I am sure was hard because he films in NYC and grief was all around him, and his job was to make people smile.
Right now the pain is fresh and new. Worst place ever to be in the healing process. Earth is an awful place to be sometimes. As Christians though, we know Earth is not all that there is.
We play our "level game." You know finding the wharehouse, someone's house, etc. Your Aunt, through a huge tragedy has the last laugh. She has leveled up to a place where she will never cry ever again. Even after such a horrible thing happened, I assure you, she has Jesus to comfort her and make her smile again.
I love you so much, babe.
No spell check was used and I wasn't looking at the screen, the thought counts ha
ReplyDeleteLook here, chica, not all of life is scripted, and what you and your family have gone through, are dealing with, and will deal with is not easy thing to do. I think once you get back home, back in a routine, back around your "normal" life that things will start to even out some. I'm not saying that they'll *ever* be the same because they won't. But I think once you're out of the "thick" of things, you'll be able to piece yourself back together ... a little different than you were before, but nonetheless back together.
ReplyDeleteI know this is hard; I lost my cousin about 15 months ago to a senseless gun crime in a Dallas suburb. He left behind two young children and a wife. It's never easy. You think "crazy" thoughts sometimes and even wonder about the "what ifs", but truthfully, there is no where to go but forward.
But forward is where all your friends and family will be, too, so you won't be alone. Lots of hugs and prayers for you and your family.