Hospitals, Anxiety, Bad Jokes, and Zombies

Since I'm 900 miles away from my doctor it only makes sense that a horrible pain would occur.  So, my mom and my sister took me to the ER.  I just wanted to get it checked out and make sure it wasn't something major that required surgery.  I get anxious over that kind of stuff since I am my kids primary care giver.  If I wait until I'm seriously ill my kids could wind up with a useless mother.  I don't handle anxiety well.  I tend to crack jokes, be sarcastic, and say horribly inappropriate things to people.  Laughing helps me through my anxiety.  The hospital I went to got stuck dealing with my bad jokes and sarcasm.  I apologized in advance though.

The hospital got me in to a room pretty fast.  That was my first freak out moment.  What was in my description that got me into a room before the 10 other people ahead of me in the waiting room?  Was I dying??  Was it my joke about drinking the occasional 10 glasses of wine 3 days a week?  Then they took me to a very large room with a lot more equipment than a normal emergency dept. room would have.  Freak out number two came.  What made them think I needed such a large room and with so much equipment?

The nurse came in, had me take my top off and put a gown on.  No dinner or drinks.  Worst date ever!  Then she sent me off to pee in a cup.

Hooray...

I finished up and went back to my room and laid down.  Then I heard a strange noise.  It was an odd noise.  It was a grumble.  I looked at my mom and sister in horror.  Let me take you back to a half hour earlier when we were driving to the ER.  There were creepy clouds swirling around.

My sister joked about the end being being near.  I said it was the Zombie Apocalypse. My mom and sister both laughed.  My mom said "whatever!  There is no such thing!"  I told her it was happening though!  hehe

Fast forward back to the ER with the strange growling noise down the hall.  It started off dull.  I asked My mom and sister if they heard the noise.  They both shook their heads yes.  The growl began to get progressively louder.  Then a nurse yelled "GET THE RESTRAINTS!!!"  You never want to hear "Get the restraints" being yelled in a hospital.  The growling went from louder and louder to full on incoherent yelling, then turned to singing and later led to a whole lot of "F" bombs being dropped.

CUH-REEPAYYYYYYYY!!! 

 The doctor came in. He asked what was wrong with me.  I explained that I didn't know and that's why I was there.  Then asked if he knew what was wrong with me.  (don't get your panties in a wad uptight friends.  It was friendly banter not rudeness.  SWEAR!)  I explained my symptoms.  "There's a bump and it hurts and it's on my hip and it feels numbs in spots and I'm dizzy and my tummy get queasy after I pee.  Oh and sometimes the pain is a shooting pain and sometimes it's dull and achy"  He looked as confused as I was.  So I changed the subject and I asked him if zombies were attacking.  He said to keep our eyes peeled.  There was some crazy stuff going on and they were all his patients. Then he looked at my chart and commented on my meds.  "I see you take Synthroid for your thyroid and Prozac for anxiety, ocd, and depression"  To which my comment was obviously, "ummm no!  I take it for fun and recreational purposes.  Oh and to scare off zombies.  I take wine for the depression , anxiety, and ocd."  Seemed like a legit answer.  He laughed and told me someone would be in to do a CT.  I asked if it was a full body scan because I wanted my brain checked.  He looked at me and asked "How is the CT supposed to scan something that's not there?"  

FINALLY!!  Someone who appreciated my humor and could banter back and forth with me!!  I may be in love.  Shhhhhh....Don't tell!  haha

Finally someone with a wheel chair showed up to take me to CT.  I didn't even ask for a badge. I just wanted to get away from the zombie!!!  She told me to sit, asked me my name and birthday.  I replied with "HOLY HELL!!  THAT'S COLD!!"  The back of my gown was open and my bareback touched the very cold wheel chair.  I had to inform her that "HOLY HELL!! THAT'S COLD!!" was neither my name or my birthday, and then cough up the real stuff.  (no more pretending to be 21 *sigh*) After I coughed up the top secret name and bday info, she rolled me out the door.  I told her to hit the gas and pop a wheelie.  She said she would and that it was her last day anyway.  Then I hear another nurse yell, "I heard that!!"  I told her "RUN!!!!!!"  and we took off down the hall to the elevator.  

When I got to the CT room I noticed bloody gauze on the floor under the machine.  I told her it was there and she said it was probably from the person before me.  I said "who? The zombie??"  Then the radiologist walked in and said "There are zombies here?"  The nurse said "Yes TWO!!"  

I KNEW IT!!!!!!

I went back to my room, laid back in bed and then heard more growling BUT it was also accompanied by screaming.  It was a young zombie.  Okay, not really.  It was a little boy who hit his head but he was growling like a baby zombie.  I was ready to get the hell outta dodge by this time!!

Finally the doctor came in and said "I have great news!  You aren't pregnant!!"  I've never wanted to hug a man more in my life.  Those were THE.SEXIEST.WORDS.EVER.

Then he informed me that it was not a tumor and nothing surgical would be required.  I asked him what the hell was wrong with me then?!  He said he wasn't sure but wasn't I happy that there was no surgery required?  

I told him "NO WAY!  I am not happy.  I was looking forward to having a souvenir from my trip! Nothing would be cooler than having a tumor in a glass jar next to my bed!"  

He told me "maybe next time!"  Then informed me that if I started running a fever to come back.  I made sure to find out when he worked next because I planned on torturing him if I ended up needing to come back.  He told me what time he'd be there.  I have a sneaking suspicion that he may have been fibbing.  

He gave me a prescription for some drugs and sent me on my way.  I wished him luck with the zombies and now I'm in bed.  My face was not eaten off by a zombie or anything.  Thank you Jesus!  Hopefully I never encounter zombies again!

30 Day Blogging Challenge, Day 6:::COMPLETE!!!!!