It wasn't so bad! Hooray!!

Well, I have to write about this because it's a big deal!  No, wait...HUGE deal!


 Heath got a  new position at work at the beginning of the week and it keeps him in town.  Yes, that's right I said "IN TOWN".


When I heard this all I could think was "OH EM GEE, I am going to end up leaving him or killing him!!!"  The thought of having him here allllllllll theeeee tiiiiime made me want to slit my wrist.  I was repeating the proper wrist slitting procedure in my head over and over.  You know "up the tracks not across" and "use something jagged to make it harder to sew up"!  Morbid, I know but most of you just don't understand!!


See, we were always really great at loving each other from a distance.  The whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" theory?  Then in the blink of an eye God tried to play a practical joke on us and bring him back to town....permanently.  


As Heath is telling me this with all of his excitement, I have that fake smile planted on my face and I am saying "ohhh....wow....well, that's just so darn fantastic..." and then my insides started cringing and all I could think was "our perfect relationship is over"  

***SIGH***

Now here we are and, it is one whole week later and both of us are still alive.  Miracle upon Miracles we did NOT kill each other.  We didn't even really fight the whole week.  It was actually enjoyable having him home (minus the dirty socks and work boots in the middle of the floor) 

He has helped with the kids and they are behaving better and acting out less.  I'm actually happy for a change!!  

Not the ending y'all saw this blog having was it??  I am just full of surprises huh?! 

This is why you should practice abstinence Boys & Girls!

Sometimes I don't even know where to start.  I can honestly say things are never dull around here! My youngest is learning new things every day and my oldest is usually the one suffering from it.  I never imagined that I would be the proud parent of a little bully.  "OH MY GOD!!! MY BABY IS A BULLY!!"  I said this to Heath the whole time the little snot was kicking the crap out of my bladder!!  Sure enough, I called it, he came out a bully!   He's mean and a tad crazy.  It scares me a little.  Okay, well, it scares me A LOT!!  


Raising this particular two year old has been a frustrating task.  He is a smart ass and witty, and he pushes your buttons on purpose.  He is always trying to find ways to get under his brother's skin and Mine!!   He knows exactly what to do to make Shane cry....and me...  


Last week, Shane comes running in my room and this is the conversation we have::


Shane:::mom, someone is knocking on my bedroom door and it's scary!
Me:::Stop making excuses to get out of bed!
Shane:::I'm not!!  someone really is knocking!!!
Me:::Shane Marcus, get your butt back to bed before I beat it!!
Shane:::Mom, I swear, I'm not lying!!!!!!  
Me:::Fine, I will go see who is at your damn door and then you will shut your mouth and get back in your bed!!!


Walk down the hall and what do I hear???  Yea, you guessed it, a loud knock and then this little giggle from the other bedroom.  It was a sweet little devious giggle.  The kind of giggle one would only hear from the mouth of a sweet and innocent 2 yr old little brother!  I turn around to find Hunter.... with his hands down his diapers.


Me:::Hunter, Get your hands out of your diaper!!
Hunter::Look Momma!!
Me ***looking***
Hunter::: ***pulling out poop balls and flinging them at Shane's bedroom door***

:::::::Mysterious Knocking Figured out:::::::

:::::::My head begins to smoke:::::::

:::::::Flames launch from my ears:::::::

:::::::My head Explodes:::::::

Then comes the voice of reason and it tells me::::

"Okay, calm down.  It's just poop, Tia.  Just 2 yr old freaking poop!!  It's not the end of the world!  Relax!  It could be worse!"


Seriously????  What could be worse than spending your evening going on a scavenger hunt for balls of POOOOOOOOP???????  NO WAY!!  NUH UH!!!  NOTHING COULD BE WORSE!!!  

Right?????

Wrrrrrrrong!!!!!

IT HIT ME LAST NIGHT

**Literally**

I went in his bedroom to check on him and he did it...he poop balled me right in the freaking face!!!!!!  This time I may very well sell this little poop throwing chimp to the circus!!!!!

Part I:::The dreaded Aging process. I am NOT happy!

I am just horrified by the thought of aging.  I know, it's silly.  I just can't wrap my pretty little, slowly wrinkling head around it.  Seriously!  It seems like I was JUST complaining about turning 25 and now out of no where the dreaded THIRTY has reared it's ugly head!  It's so bad that when I go out drinking with my disgustingly younger sister and her friends, a few guys bought me drinks (settle down, i just like free part, I'm not sleeping around!!)  and then I looked at them and asked "how old are you??" With random responses from different guys ranging from 21-24.  It seems that this specific age range is targeting me for the sole purpose of making me feel old! When I explained to them they were far too young to be hitting on me, they asked how old I was, the look of pure horror on their faces when I responded were both disturbing and depressing. On a bright note, I am SO glad I am not having to navigate the dating world!  Sheesh!!  What a nightmare that would be.

Another thing that really irritates me is that my face is aging and my body looks like a stick.  I am too old to shop juniors but they are the only clothes that fit someone with no hips, but or boobs.  I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place! (and since I'm flat in the front and back I could totally fit) It really sucks when you have no summer clothes because the shorts are sooo short and you can't figure out how to wear that shirt...and sometimes you can't even tell the difference between a shirt and a skirt!!  Then there is figuring out the dreaded layered look with long shirts covered by half shirts and scarves and jewelry and belts. Omg and how come they mix these crazy patterns??  Ugh!!!!  It's all just so damned confusing!!!!!

Lord help me, these are 2 things that are bothering me.  Not to worry though, I am going to torture you with more aging woes soon!

Vacation kids suck!

I just have to throw this out there!  Vacation kids totally suck!!  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would have a very strong urge to commit hate crimes towards my own children.

Not until I heard these 5 little words directed toward me by my 6 year old:::

"I'm telling Grandma on you!!"

Seriously?  Seriously??


Clearly my children do not quite grasp that when grandma isn't around I am going to beat their voice boxes right out of their necks! I'm about one more "I'm gonna tell on you" away from going all "NO MORE WIRE HANGERS" on their behinds!

How can children go from sweet well behaved young men to little snot nosed, back talking little brats just by going out of town?   What happened to my children when we left our home for someone else's? They have become "grandmothered" That's what happened!

I'm starting to get a little anxious to get back to our own home where I can openly beat my children without a dirty "grandma look"  Like my mom never beat us??  sheesh!!  (you know you did mom so stop rolling your eyes)

UGH!  I am SO ready for school to start.  My kids need a break from each other and I need to find my sanity.  Lord help me!