An Open Letter to Men

Disclaimer:  I do not speak for all women.  SOme are overindulgent and don't mind when their men do these things.  That's okay.  As long as I don't have to do them.

An open letter to Men:

We don't care how loud you laugh at whatever ridiculous thing you are watching on the T.V. when we walk into the room.  It in no way, shape, or form provokes us to want to ask you "what's so funny?"
After a certain amount of time together, women typically learn that it does not matter what you're watching.  There is a 99.9% chance that we will NOT find it as hilarious as your sweet, easily amused, man brain does. This, my dear, is why I quit asking "Hey babe,whatcha laughing at?" when you make that ever so obvious and overly dramatic laugh.
The fact that we KNOW you're dying for someone to  ask, makes us automatically hate what you're watching and triggers the whole "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" reaction.  If someone walks into the room and they're intrigued even slightly by what you're watching, they will ask.  If a woman walks passed the T.V. and doesn't give it a second look, pretend you never saw her.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, start laughing super hard just to get our attention and force us to ask what is so damn funny on your lame ass show.
We can usually predict what it will be.  "Hey babe, watch this, you gotta see this!!" Then a dumb ass kid skateboards down a banister and crushes his "nuts".   The only thing funny about that happening is, well, he probably can't produce any children in the future, saving us all from having to watch a second generation of that video.  If you men want to crush your testicles, by all means, do it.  You won't get an argument from me.  Abort all the little swimmers you have.  Just don't make me watch.  It hurts me and I don't even have them.  Oh, and if I have to watch that women dance on that table and crash through one more time, I will scream!!

While we are on the subject of your NOT SO subtle hints, I would like to request that you not make the BIG, GIGANTIC, overly DRAMATIC, ***SIGHHHHH***
You ain't foolin' anyone with that.  We have it figured out!  We KNOW you are just dying for us women to say "Oh honey, what's the matter?  Are you okay?"  Contrary to popular belief, most of us don't really care to discuss "feeeeeelings".  When we claim to want to do that, we are usually trying to get you to run the other way so that we can have some alone time to swallow our feelings.....right out of a big bottle of wine.  If your curious, a lot of us women stash our feelings there for safe keeping.  Word of warning, attempting to find our stashed feelings in that wine bottle may result in serious bodily harm, or even death.  Do not try this. AGAIN, DO.NOT.TRY.THIS.

Anyway, like I said, no giant "sighhhhhhhhhhhs" please.  If there is something that a glass of wine or a beer won't fix, then just say "hey babe, can we talk?"  That, my dear, will get my attention.

In short, anything that is an annoyingly loud noise used to manipulate someone into asking you why you are making that noise, is a big NO, NO!

Thank you for your time, and goodnight.
Love always,
My Pleasant Nightmare

An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

An open letter to Miley Cyrus::

totally normal and not creepy at all......

Dear Miley,

I heard that your performance was meant as a sort of a "Shock and Awe" tactic.  While I appreciate your war on your alter ego, Hannah Montana, I do not appreciate being one of your casualties.  

My poor eyes are still burning from the bomb you dropped during the VMAs last night.  I know you want to change your image.  I know you want people to quit looking at you as Hannah Montana.  I know being 20 is confusing.  You should try and enjoy it though.  Look at poor Taylor Swift.  She is at the ripe old age of 23 and already singing songs and reminiscing about being 22 again.  Your youth, as confusing and frustrating as it may be, is something worth preserving.  After last nights performance, are you really going to want to remember it in say, 30 or 40 years....

Actually, after last nights performance, I have to question if you will actually be around that long.  I can only figure that a young woman with her tongue hanging out like a rabid dog, dancing her way out of a teddy bears stomach, is on some sort of drugs.  I'm guessing acid because, Guuuuuurrrllll, you be trippin' if you think that your performance was stage worthy.

Omg!!  What was with that teddy bear ensemble?  Was it supposed to be a cute play on you wearing a "Teddy", and being sexy?  I'm pretty confident the only people you have officially attracted are child molesters, and possibly one or two sleazy, fetish, porn directors.  Let's face it, neither of them are an accomplishment to brag about. If it were me, I would get back in the giant teddy bear, curl up, and pray for the zombie apocalypse to come.  I would rather have my face ripped to shreds by zombies than show it in public again.

What bothers me even more is, I really liked that song you opened with.  Well, until last night.  Now I keep having nightmares about giant, alien, teddy bears giving birth via c-section to mini, crazy Miley's.  Seriously, it's like that bear gave birth to the next leader of the planet "Bearscaria", and all of the bears are your followers, and you have them brainwashed, and they are your army of giant minions that are here to help you take over planet Earth in an evil plot make us all sink to your level of bad hair, and lack of any sort of style.  Out with jeans and t-shirts and in with creepy teddy bear onesies.  Thanks to you, I want to burn every poor, innocent teddy bear in our home.  

I also need to ask why you felt the need to force that poor woman to wear a bear head on her back, wear the tightest striped pants, and throw stuff into the crowd, all while you sexually harassed her, beat her, and then shoved your face in her ass.  I really hope you consider paying for her therapy.  

Should we even discuss the foam finger your donned on your hand and used to molest yourself?  It looked like you were waving an oven mitt around, and every time you used it to rub your crotch, I thought maybe you were checking to see if the yeast had risen and the bread was done down there. These images will forever be burned into my head.  I feel victimized, and dirty.  If Lady GaGa and Marilyn Manson had a daughter, she would put on a less disturbing performance than you did.  

I'm sad for you, and for those poor violated teddy bears.  Oh and Will Smith, and his kids, and my kids, and me, and the entire population that still has their sight and a tv.  For crying out loud sweetie, if you are sick of your Hannah Montana, Disney star image, that's one thing but don't punish the rest of us because you took a very character defining role.  Get your shit together and put on your big girl panties, suck it up, and MOVE THE EFF ON withOUT violating our eyes.  Even my daughter, who happened to walked passed the computer as her father was watching a replay of your performance, was disgusted....my ONE.YEAR.OLD.  A child whose activities include, pooping and peeing on herself, eating food off the floor, and chewing on shoes.  She looked at you like you were a damn fool.  I even took a picture.

"omg!!!  what is she doing to that poor teddy bear?"

Oh, and one last thing Ms. Cyrus.  You are white and have no junk in the trunk.  Stop acting like you can run all over the stage twerking.  It's an embarrassment.  Just let the girls who got it, flaunt it.

Sincerely,

Tia

Story of a Girl

An Apology Letter to My Kid's Teachers

To whom it may concern:

I would like to apologize for tonight's meeting.  My family and I may have *possibly* misrepresented ourselves... just a little bit....a tiny bit..just a pinch...a smidgen.....okay, okay OKAYYYYY!!!

A LOT!  WE MISREPRESENTED OURSELVES A LOT!!!  

You see, we all showed up well dressed.  Well groomed.  Fresh breathed.  Happy.  All smiles.  Most importantly we were quiet and well behaved.  I am really sorry but what you witnessed this evening is not the reality you will be witnessing come Monday morning.  I *ALMOST* feel bad for you.....ALMOST.  I won't allow myself to feel completely horrible because I won't be able to justify this HUGE smile on my face if I feel an ounce of guilt in my heart.  That is just how the cookie crumbles ma'am.

Let's start with my well groomed family.  The boys had their hair cut.  It's not often.  I just so happened to be in Illinois visiting my folks.  That means I had help.  That means I wasn't fighting alone with my boys trying to wrangle them, and bribe them to JUST.SIT.STILL, all while I had a screaming 1 year old trying to escape her stroller in the background.  By the way, wasn't that one year old of mine just a little doll?  Don't worry, if you ask for my help in the classroom you will get to see plenty more of her.  The screams and screeches of annoyance that leave her mouth will knock your socks off, though you'll be wishing it was your ears being knocked off.

Anywhoooo,

That fresh breath?  HA!  Unless I physically hold those children down and scrub their teeth (like I did before meeting you), they will forget, and since I am usually taking care of these children without any help, there is an even better chance that I won't remember to remind them.  So, throw any thoughts of a glimmering white smile and a refreshing "Mornin' y'all" out the window.  As a matter of fact, when you see my kid just hold your nose or turn and run. It's do or die time. Survival of the fittest.  Do you have what it takes?

Moving on,

The "all smiles" part.  That is a load.  My kids are rarely all smiles.  They are crabby little smart asses.  The middle little is the worst!  He can throw a tantrum like nobody's business.  His scream is so loud and shrill that you will be hiding in the bathroom praying for the end of the world to come soon.  You may also take up drinking as a nightly hobby...Possibly even a daily hobby as well.  Don't worry, I won't judge.  I'll even pour the first glass....bottle...barrel.  Well, let's just see how that first day goes, Mmmkay?

Let's talk about the "quiet and well behaved" part of our evening.

My kids are far from quiet.  The oldest will not shut up.  Especially about that damn Mine Craft stuff.  It will drive you through the wall (which is far quieter than being next to that kids previously mentioned, stinky breathed mouth of his).  He will also repeat some of my sarcasm but he does not understand the sarcasm.  Bear with me, as I teach him how to properly use sarcasm in everyday life.  He will be fluent in it soon.

The middle child is obsessed with the game show, "Wipeout".  He will not let you rest until you play it with him.  Every piece of furniture in your room WILL be a Wipeout course or zone during some point of the school year.  Whether you want it to be or not.  That's just how he rolls.  He will not take no for an answer either.  The word "no" entails a tantrum consisting of mirror shattering screams, running in circles, a little bit of floor action (yeah, I'm talking kicking, rolling around, hand pounding, head banging action) , and quite a few crocodile tears. Good luck with that....FYI:Ignoring it actually intensifies it and trying to calm it actually hypes it as well.  Let's be honest.  You're in a no win situation.  Sorry...kinda.

In closing,

I'm sorry I lied to you.  I'm sorry we pretended to be a nice family.  I'm sorry in advance for all things my children may do to drive you insane.  I really am.  I had to fake it.  I had to pretend to be a great mom with fabulous, adorable, and well mannered children.  I need a break though.  So, good luck and have a fabulous school year.  I'll sip some coffee while eating bon bons, and dealing with my ONE child as you are being tortured by my other two.  Punish them how you see fit.  I have NO doubt I will be hearing from you soon.

Last of all, Best wishes and Welcome to My Pleasant Nightmare.

Deepest sympathies but no regrets,
Tia
Disclaimer:  I am not responsible for any mental health bills you incur, or any stays at a rehab facility.  Check your insurance prior to committing yourself.  The state also has programs that can help you pay if you can't afford it.

An open letter to PETA

I was under the impression Turkey Dogs were healthier.  What gives?

Dear PETA,

I am writing to ask you, "Who the !$@# you think you are?"  You do not, I repeat, DO NOT, get to address my children and make them feel guilty over their love for meat!  I am disturbed and disgusted by the tactics you use.  Questioning a minors values?  Trying to make young children feel guilty over enjoying a Thanksgiving meal?  

Do you not comprehend the circle of life?  You know?  Everything has a purpose?  My children do.  Clearly they have better comprehension skills than all of you.  When I see some of the things you do, and lengths you will go I want to club you like a baby seal!  Sometimes it seems as if y'all are driving the crazy train at high speeds, with a never ending supply of gas, no brakes, and on a round track.  When will enough be enough?

When will you stop using my children to try and prove a point?  At what point will you realize that your craziness just makes me crave burgers and fur coats?  

Let me let you in on a little secret PETA.  If something horrible happens and we all have to live off the land, I will slaughter a cow however I can to feed my family.  After we are done picking it dry I will use its skin to make myself leather clothing and shoes.  I will then walk passed you all warm and cozy while your dumb asses freeze to death.  

Last of all, if you ever scare my children with your ridiculous antics I will hunt you down, chain you to a chair, and assassinate a cute cuddly lamb, cook it and eat it in front of you and wrap its warm fuzzy fur around you.   

Nobody likes to see animals getting treated like crap.  However, I don't like seeing humans treated like crap either.  Perhaps you could place all of this effort in to not bullying people who love to eat meat and you could put all of your passion and energy towards defending our bullied school kids.  Show them some love and compassion.  You could also hit up a retirement home and spend some time with people who don't have anyone.  Maybe help a wounded Veteran or volunteer at a hospital or children's home.  

Trying to scare people into a vegan lifestyle is just a bit over the top and no one will take you people serious.  

Maybe you could also try spending a little less time worry about how the president chooses to get rid of a fly and a little more time with problems that matter to EVERYONE.  I'm not even an Obama fan but I feel for the guy in this situation!  Go ahead and read the story HERE

OHHHHHH and good luck making that tofu during an apocalypse!  haha

Sincerely,
An Angry Mom who will go batshit crazy on you if you ever pull this crap in front of my kid
xoxo  

Is this really necessary?  All you've accomplished is scaring my kids!

I hope Ronald comes after you with that exact face!