An Apology Letter to My Kid's Teachers

To whom it may concern:

I would like to apologize for tonight's meeting.  My family and I may have *possibly* misrepresented ourselves... just a little bit....a tiny bit..just a pinch...a smidgen.....okay, okay OKAYYYYY!!!

A LOT!  WE MISREPRESENTED OURSELVES A LOT!!!  

You see, we all showed up well dressed.  Well groomed.  Fresh breathed.  Happy.  All smiles.  Most importantly we were quiet and well behaved.  I am really sorry but what you witnessed this evening is not the reality you will be witnessing come Monday morning.  I *ALMOST* feel bad for you.....ALMOST.  I won't allow myself to feel completely horrible because I won't be able to justify this HUGE smile on my face if I feel an ounce of guilt in my heart.  That is just how the cookie crumbles ma'am.

Let's start with my well groomed family.  The boys had their hair cut.  It's not often.  I just so happened to be in Illinois visiting my folks.  That means I had help.  That means I wasn't fighting alone with my boys trying to wrangle them, and bribe them to JUST.SIT.STILL, all while I had a screaming 1 year old trying to escape her stroller in the background.  By the way, wasn't that one year old of mine just a little doll?  Don't worry, if you ask for my help in the classroom you will get to see plenty more of her.  The screams and screeches of annoyance that leave her mouth will knock your socks off, though you'll be wishing it was your ears being knocked off.

Anywhoooo,

That fresh breath?  HA!  Unless I physically hold those children down and scrub their teeth (like I did before meeting you), they will forget, and since I am usually taking care of these children without any help, there is an even better chance that I won't remember to remind them.  So, throw any thoughts of a glimmering white smile and a refreshing "Mornin' y'all" out the window.  As a matter of fact, when you see my kid just hold your nose or turn and run. It's do or die time. Survival of the fittest.  Do you have what it takes?

Moving on,

The "all smiles" part.  That is a load.  My kids are rarely all smiles.  They are crabby little smart asses.  The middle little is the worst!  He can throw a tantrum like nobody's business.  His scream is so loud and shrill that you will be hiding in the bathroom praying for the end of the world to come soon.  You may also take up drinking as a nightly hobby...Possibly even a daily hobby as well.  Don't worry, I won't judge.  I'll even pour the first glass....bottle...barrel.  Well, let's just see how that first day goes, Mmmkay?

Let's talk about the "quiet and well behaved" part of our evening.

My kids are far from quiet.  The oldest will not shut up.  Especially about that damn Mine Craft stuff.  It will drive you through the wall (which is far quieter than being next to that kids previously mentioned, stinky breathed mouth of his).  He will also repeat some of my sarcasm but he does not understand the sarcasm.  Bear with me, as I teach him how to properly use sarcasm in everyday life.  He will be fluent in it soon.

The middle child is obsessed with the game show, "Wipeout".  He will not let you rest until you play it with him.  Every piece of furniture in your room WILL be a Wipeout course or zone during some point of the school year.  Whether you want it to be or not.  That's just how he rolls.  He will not take no for an answer either.  The word "no" entails a tantrum consisting of mirror shattering screams, running in circles, a little bit of floor action (yeah, I'm talking kicking, rolling around, hand pounding, head banging action) , and quite a few crocodile tears. Good luck with that....FYI:Ignoring it actually intensifies it and trying to calm it actually hypes it as well.  Let's be honest.  You're in a no win situation.  Sorry...kinda.

In closing,

I'm sorry I lied to you.  I'm sorry we pretended to be a nice family.  I'm sorry in advance for all things my children may do to drive you insane.  I really am.  I had to fake it.  I had to pretend to be a great mom with fabulous, adorable, and well mannered children.  I need a break though.  So, good luck and have a fabulous school year.  I'll sip some coffee while eating bon bons, and dealing with my ONE child as you are being tortured by my other two.  Punish them how you see fit.  I have NO doubt I will be hearing from you soon.

Last of all, Best wishes and Welcome to My Pleasant Nightmare.

Deepest sympathies but no regrets,
Tia
Disclaimer:  I am not responsible for any mental health bills you incur, or any stays at a rehab facility.  Check your insurance prior to committing yourself.  The state also has programs that can help you pay if you can't afford it.