An open letter to Men:
We don't care how loud you laugh at whatever ridiculous thing you are watching on the T.V. when we walk into the room. It in no way, shape, or form provokes us to want to ask you "what's so funny?"
After a certain amount of time together, women typically learn that it does not matter what you're watching. There is a 99.9% chance that we will NOT find it as hilarious as your sweet, easily amused, man brain does. This, my dear, is why I quit asking "Hey babe,whatcha laughing at?" when you make that ever so obvious and overly dramatic laugh.
The fact that we KNOW you're dying for someone to ask, makes us automatically hate what you're watching and triggers the whole "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" reaction. If someone walks into the room and they're intrigued even slightly by what you're watching, they will ask. If a woman walks passed the T.V. and doesn't give it a second look, pretend you never saw her.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, start laughing super hard just to get our attention and force us to ask what is so damn funny on your lame ass show.
We can usually predict what it will be. "Hey babe, watch this, you gotta see this!!" Then a dumb ass kid skateboards down a banister and crushes his "nuts". The only thing funny about that happening is, well, he probably can't produce any children in the future, saving us all from having to watch a second generation of that video. If you men want to crush your testicles, by all means, do it. You won't get an argument from me. Abort all the little swimmers you have. Just don't make me watch. It hurts me and I don't even have them. Oh, and if I have to watch that women dance on that table and crash through one more time, I will scream!!
While we are on the subject of your NOT SO subtle hints, I would like to request that you not make the BIG, GIGANTIC, overly DRAMATIC, ***SIGHHHHH***
You ain't foolin' anyone with that. We have it figured out! We KNOW you are just dying for us women to say "Oh honey, what's the matter? Are you okay?" Contrary to popular belief, most of us don't really care to discuss "feeeeeelings". When we claim to want to do that, we are usually trying to get you to run the other way so that we can have some alone time to swallow our feelings.....right out of a big bottle of wine. If your curious, a lot of us women stash our feelings there for safe keeping. Word of warning, attempting to find our stashed feelings in that wine bottle may result in serious bodily harm, or even death. Do not try this. AGAIN, DO.NOT.TRY.THIS.
Anyway, like I said, no giant "sighhhhhhhhhhhs" please. If there is something that a glass of wine or a beer won't fix, then just say "hey babe, can we talk?" That, my dear, will get my attention.
In short, anything that is an annoyingly loud noise used to manipulate someone into asking you why you are making that noise, is a big NO, NO!
Thank you for your time, and goodnight.
Love always,
My Pleasant Nightmare
Sooo, according to this thinking, you're saying you don't appreciate our loud grateful flatulence at bedtime either? The highest form of compliment for the time and effort you put into creating that wonderful meal? There is no higher praise in the male world than to share with the chef an aromatic public fanfare of the byproduct of her efforts! Aged in our bodies as in the oak casks of the finest liquors, and distinctively scented with the herbs, spices and love distinctive to your culinary creation!
ReplyDeleteYes, we males are a sharing species, whether it is our favorite show, our mood, or our appreciation of others talents. Why else would we pull close in the darkness of our bedroom, and drape the covers gently over you, so you can partake in the aroma of our humble culinary appreciation?
You are clearly talking about your man! I have seen him do these things NUMEROUS times. It is sooooo ANNOYING!! Are there seriously other men like him? Dear Lord, help us all if there are! I can honestly say, your dad doesn't do these things. He is usually sleeping during tv (thank goodness). If there are other men like this, do your wife/girlfriend a favor and JUST.HIDE.IN.YOUR.MAN.CAVE!!
ReplyDeleteWith 6 brothers, 4 sons and a few exes..I KNOW eactl what ou are talking about. Only you forgot one true classic..the kid with the ball...and extra laughs if the man is the dad. As soon as I see men laughing and a kid has a ball I KNOW where that ball is going to end up...geez who doesnt???? lol Whether the kid is throwing, kicking or batting that ball has a hidden missile inside and that ball isnt going anywhere but between that mans legs. Each time they tried showing me I would stand there and stare ..long after the supposed funny part...and say..Im waiting for the funny part...then they would roll their eyes and act like I was the hopeless one....geez...and those are the same creatures Im suppose to look to for guidance...yeah right..lol You just sit right here Honey with your dip of the week while us women finish ruling the home....muhahahaha
ReplyDeleteI hate that show. The hubs and my 9 yr old son will watch it all. the freaking. time. They will laugh like it's the funniest thing they've ever seen!
ReplyDeleteVisiting from cowtailsandhaybales.com and Sits!
Nik