He called me a WHAT??????

Attention Grandma, if you are reading this I feel the need to warn you there are a few more curse words than usual.  Please don't call and yell at me.  I love you!

I wish I at least looked like my driver's license photo.  Yes.  That is how bad I look.  That's how bad I feel.  That is how ridiculously low my standards currently are.  I have already had two kids and was never this exhausted.  EVER.  I talked to my doctor about it and she told me it's because I'm old.  Okay, well she didn't say it like that in so many words.  That IS what she was insinuating though.  I get it. I'm getting older.  I'm accepting my age. WHATEVS.  It's all good.  JUST PLEASE MAKE THE TIRED GO AWAY.

I'm frustrated because I feel bad for my kids.  They are pretty much raising themselves.  I am not winning at this whole Mommy thing lately.  The goobs are out of control and it's mostly my fault.  So I am going to fess up to my crimes and hopefully it will lift this horrible guilt off my chest.  

1.  My 3 year old called me ::::looks around and whispers so no one close by hears:::: a  b-i-t-c-h ::::::whispering over :::::::  Okay, this is a huge deal to me.  I don't raise boys to talk to their Mama like that!  I popped the kid in his mouth and asked him to tell me where he learned that word from.  The child replied with "Dora mommy.  Dora was calling all kinds of people Bishes mommy!!"  

WHAT???  UMMMMM NO!  DORA DOES NOT CURSE!!!!

2 hours later.....

I hear Dora yell "That stupid B!%@$"

Yea.....turns out my mission to sneak in a little catnap by using my phone as a babysitter somehow led the 3 year old to youtube and then to very bad voiced over Dora videos.  She got herself a baby-daddy and everything!! 

2.  I rolled out of bed Tuesday at 11:30.  This particular day I did get up once for about 3 minutes at 9 to open a cup of yogurt, make some chocolate milk and turn on the tv for the 3 yr old.  Last week, I didn't feed my kids breakfast at all.  The 7 yr old fed them their breakfast.  I profusely thanked my sweet boy for taking charge and asked him what they ate.  His response?  "a bowl of Cookie Crisp cereal withOUT milk, 1 slice each of chocolate loaf cake, and a fruit by the foot because I remember you saying we need to eat more fruit."  Mmmmkay, then.  What did you drink??  "Wellllll, I had a Pepsi Next and Hunter had a Cherry Vanilla Pepsi Next.  It was a pretty awesome breakfast I made huh?"  Sure honey.....it definitely sounds.....awesome...

3.  Had to take a break from blogging to go be even more of an awesome mom.  That's right.  My kids were crying to be fed.  Being the great mom I am, I ordered pizza last night and went ahead and reheated it tonight.  Hey, don't judge me!  At least I heated it up! I could have easily gave it to them cold!  

4.  We are lacking quality time.  The boys keep wanting to go to the park and all I can muster up is "Mommy doesn't do parks in the middle of summer, while pregnant, in west Texas.  Daddy comes back in town friday. Ask him and can you leave me alone until then?  Okay, well the last part I thought to myself but I wish I could say it sometimes.  

5.  The three year old is even starting to take his aggression out on the poor cartoons on tv.  I felt so bad for the kid on "Team Umizoomi" the other night.  His name was Jose and he lost his Shark Car and he asked, "Can you help me find my shark car please and bring it back to me?"  My darn 3 year old replies, "NO WAY JOSE!!!"  Then as if that's not bad enough he added "That stupid Jose!!"  Then hysterically laughed all the way down the hallway, almost in an evil manner.  I am a little concerned now......

I should probably stop unloading all of my guilt.  Y'all are going to start judging me unfairly.....or fairly.....your judgments are probably fair and accurate.  Well, from most of you.  Not those of you who are all "Perfect, psycho obsessive, overbearing, over protective, I'm better than you and every other mom on the planet" kind of parents.  Your judging is not worth much to me.  Yes, I'm done.  Goodnight and I do feel a weight has been lifted!  

So, have you went from curious to horrified yet??

Another one?? YAY!!!!!

I'm so super excited!  I have been nominated for ANOTHER fabulous blogging award.  This time from TWO awesome bloggers!!  I am in a little bit of shock and am very humbled by the nominations.  I have really been blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing, warm, and terribly funny blogging community!  So thank you to


Too Smart For Her Own Good
and
Riding the Crazy Train: Diary of a Delirious Mom

Here are the rules for the Liebster Lovin'

*Post 11 random facts about yourself.

*Choose 11 deserving bloggers and tag them in your post.

*Tell them you’ve tagged them.

*Answer 11 questions the tagger has asked you, and give 11 questions to the people you’ve tagged.

**No tag backs. 

Okay, so here are my 11 random facts


1.  I quit smoking 1 year, 1 month, 3 weeks, 2 days and 2 and a half hours ago as of tonight 7 pm CST.  How did I do it?  Everyone asks.  I used a book.  I read Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking.  It was a miracle worker and changed my life and lung capacity as well as my over exposure to UV rays! haha


2. I hate grapes but love grape flavoring.


3. I'm lactose intolerant but still buy pints of my favorite ice cream, hide it in the back of the freezer and take one or two bites a day.


4.  I am 34 weeks pregnant and JUST NOW started crocheting my new little monster's baby blanket.


5.  I miss wine.  a lot.


6. The only math I am good at is adding up the pounds I am putting on with Baby A.


7.  I avoid arguments because I HAVE to be right and will waste an entire day proving my point.  Most of the time I'm to busy for that.


8.  I photo document everything I do with my kids so that there is proof that they weren't always neglected.  I'm sure they will try and claim I never did anything with them when they get older.  Kids are jerks like that!


9.  I tell my kids certain kinds of candy will turn them into girls so they won't want what I'm eating.


10.  I have horrible and very awkward social skills when meeting new people but try to pretend I am all nice and excited to meet them even though I have NO CLUE what to say or where to put my hands while talking to them.  I like to be holding something, otherwise I fidget.


11.  I have been so sick lately that I have let my boys feed themselves.  As in, I'm pretty sure this morning they each ate a granola bar, a fruit by the foot, a slice of chocolate loaf cake and drank cherry vanilla pepsi for breakfast.  I was too sick to move.  SWEAR!


Okay, now for my interrogation questions from Too Smart For Her Own Good


1.  What's your favorite day of the week?
What??  There are days in the week?! 

2.  If you could visit any city in the world, all expenses paid, where you end up?
Rome!!


3.  Do you Pinterest, if so, do you find it hella addicting like I do?
YES!  AND YES!! I am currently in a 12 step program...


4.  What is Blogging to you?
 My life, My stories, My outlet.


5.  What is the deepest thought you've ever had?
I usually try to avoid thinking to much.  

6.  Who is your biggest celebrity crush?
Yeah, so I was just complaining the other day about how all of the other moms had their own celebrity crush but I don't have one.  Why?  Why don't I have one?  Something MUST be wrong with me!! LOL


7.  If the President showed up on your doorstep what would you say to him?
No solicitors. Please try and sell your shit to someone else.

8.  If you could change your name, would you and what would you change it to?
Dad.  Everyone named Dad around here seem to get a lot more free time. LOL 

9.  Coffee or Tea?
BOTH!!!!!  I LOVE THEM BOTH!!!!!


10.  Most embarrassing moment?
I have to pick just one??  Okay, marrying my ex-husband.  It is a decision I will never live down. LOL

11.  Favorite type of car? 


Two seaters!  It means no kids can come along! haha




Okay, I was nominated by two yes TWO awesome ladies.  So here is my second set of Q&A!  This is from 
Delirious Mom

1.  What is in your "secret stash" that you hide from your kids or spouse? (I hide dark chocolate, for example.)


Chicken in a Biscuit crackers.  Those jerks will eat my whole box in one sitting!!

2..What are your feelings on the "5-Second Rule"?


For me??  Nuh Uh! No way!  For my man and my kids?  Go ahead guys!!  It's still good!! haha

3.  What is the best compliment you have ever received from one of your blog followers?


That my words meant a lot and moved them.  It's always nice when your blog is more than a comedy hour sometimes. 

4.  What pushes your crazy-psycho button?


My heart is already racing thinking about it!!  When I am in a drive thru, really hungry and really thirsty and the person at the speaker needs a minute and then takes an hour and then orders 1 of everything from the menu!!  Go the inside and order people or google the damn menu BEFORE you go and make a list!!  STOP.TORTURING.ME

5. Who inspires you the most on your life journey?


It's not one person but more of a type of person.
Other people on their own journey, the people who are honest with themselves, with others, and live life with a sense of humor and a shortage of drama.

6.  What gets you through the day most often: coffee, wine, or your sense of humor?


A lot of laughing at myself and my kids. We try not to take life to serious around here.  Well, with the exception of the important stuff.  

7.  What's your number one travelling tip?


EAR PLUGS AND iPhones!  Bring them both!! hahaha\


8.  If you weren't doing what you're doing today career-wise, what other life/career path would you be on?


Journalism.  I'd have to learn better grammar though or have a fab editor! LOL

9.  What are your goals for blogging?


To keep doing it as long as it is what I enjoy.  

10. Anything on your bucket list you'd like to share?


A kid free vacation! 

11.  What is the craziest thing you have ever done that you are willing to admit to doing?


Having 3 kids!!!! I'm serious.  Like REALLY serious.  I think I'm nuts!  


YAY!!!!!  I'm done being interrogated and now I get to ask the questions!!!


1.  Storms.  Love them or terrified?
2.  What is your "Guilty Pleasure" tv show?
3.  What calms you?
4.  If you could learn any new language what would you choose to learn?
5.  Have you ever regifted?  What was it?
6.  Any off brand/generic products you prefer over their name brand competitor? 
7.  What song ALWAYS brings back memories?
8.  What is your favorite brand of toilet paper?
9.  Favorite scented candle?
10.  Do you ever freak out and get nervous AFTER you hit the "Share" button on your blog?
11.  Do you still have a piggy bank?


AND THESE ARE THE LUCKY FOLKS THAT GET TO ANSWER THEM!!  

1. What I Had REALLY Meant to Say Was...
2. The Black Tiara
3. The Real Housewife of Santee
4. Twins Happen
5. I'm a mom too
6. Mama's Mumbo Jumbo
7. Musings of an im-Perfect Mom
8. My Daily Jenn-ism
9. One Too Many
10. My Morning Cup of Coffee
11. SooperDad

Breaking News::So exciting!

HELLO MY AWESOME FRIENDS!!  I HAVE HUGE NEWS!!

I am super excited to announce that I, Story of a Girl, was nominated by the wonderful and fabulous Crazy Mama Drama for the "Versatile Blogger Award"!! I am so thrilled to have the opportunity to accept this award.  Especially since it's my first ever!  Thanks again, Brooke for the nomination.  Y'all need to check out her blog ASAP!  >>> Crazy Mama Drama <<<

Okay, on to the goods!  My 7 random facts!  

1.  I love to crochet with a nice wine buzz! as a matter of fact, I have made many baby shower gifts while completely wasted!

2.  I love to eat plain potato chips dipped in ketchup.  Even when I'm not pregnant!!  It is soooooo yummy!!

3.  I am terrible at making friends and usually come off really snotty and bitchy in person.  Even when I think I'm smiling, I'm usually not.  Sorry, it's just how I look, I'm really not completely bitchy or snotty!

4. I don't understand math passed the pre-algebra level, and I also don't know how to properly use the words "passed" and "past".

5.  I really like the Hannah Montana Movie and when it came out I watched it WITHOUT kids present. 

6.  I like to randomly make really mean faces at kids who are acting up in stores when their parents aren't looking.  

7.  I love bowls.  If I see bowls on the clearance rack I have to buy one.  I like to have a lot of them in all shapes, sizes and colors.  Even if I never use it.  The idea that I have a bowl for every occasion gives me peace of mind! 

There you have it folks!  7 of the most random pieces of information.  Did I scare you away?? haha

Now for my nominations!  These are in no particular order!  I think they are all equally fabulous!!  Of course there are a million more fab blogs out there but these stood out to me today!! 

Casandra's Corner

Plain Chicken

The Jone's Way

The Somewhat Sane Mom

Busymee

figuring it out as we grow

Funny PostPardum Lady

I Want a Dumpster Baby

I'm a Mom too

Motherhood: A Descent Into Madness

My Daily Jenn-ism

myreal.everyday.life

One Too Many

overworked supermom

Riding the Crazy Train: Diary of a Delirious Mom

And now, here are the rules for all those nominated!

1. Create a post for the Versatile Blogger Award
2. Add the Versatile Blogger Award
3. In the same post, thank the blogger(s) who gave you the award and put a link back to their blogs.
4. Nominate 15 fellow bloggers the Versatile Blogger Award and inform each nominated blogger by posting a comment on each blog
5. In the same post, share 7 completely random pieces of information about yourself
6. In the same post, include this set of rules

I'll grow up someday but until then....LOOK WHAT I JUST FOUND!!!

Soooooooooo, I realized today that I still have NOT started crocheting a blanket for Baby A's arrival.  I feel really bad.  How is it I am 33 weeks and haven't even so much as Googled a pattern?? 


Yep, that's right, I am a MAJOR procrastinator!  


Well, my Google search results undoubtedly took me to Etsy's website.  I saw some cute stuff and it gave me some cute ideas.  Then I ran across this SHOCKING DISCOVERY.  

This is a  set of breastfeeding awareness hats for babies.  

Intrigued?  I was too.  So being the immature minded girl that I am I started a "boob",  "penis", and "vagina", crocheted item, Etsy search.  My OH my!  I found some interesting stuff!  I am going to share a few pictures of my fun finds!


Number 1:::  The coolest gift you can give the man in your life! He'll want to brag about you and your wonderful taste to all of his buddies, near and far.  I bet this could also be a fun bachelor party gift!!

THE BOOB SLIPPERS

Then there is Number 2::  This is a gift that will make you want to lick your lips....over and over and over again.  This would make fabulous party favors for a bachelorette party!  

THE PENIS CHAPSTICK HOLDER KEYCHAIN

Let's finish up with Number 3 because I could seriously post the crazy ALLLLLL night long!!!  This is so fabulous AND you could actually put your penis chapstick holder key chain in this and it would be SO fitting!! I am giggling at the amount of jokes I could make about this!!  Here is is!!  

THE VAGINA POUCH

once a month I am using it to hold red tissue!  HA!

I know you are heading to Etsy to do your own dirty little searches!!  Let me know what you find! 

 HahahahaOh and I just know this is going to come to you as a surprise but I wanted to let you all know that 


wait for it.......


I never did find a crochet pattern for Baby A's blanket.  Guess I will resume the search tomorrow.

OKAY, OKAY, if you insist, Mr. fortune cookie.

Can I get a high five?!

Hey!!!!  I'm finally over last weeks poop disaster!!  If you missed it you can find all the drama HERE.  I'm still a little traumatized but the lower, unbearable, pregnancy back pains have outweighed my disgust and a few more thorough cleanings have helped me to suck it up and dive in.  Yay me!!  So, now that you have been updated I guess I will share my "High Five" for the week!  (if I can remember a whole weeks worth of stuff)


1.  Let's start with The Fourth of July!  Heath was out of town and he wanted to be able to watch the fireworks with me and the kids.  He called and asked if me if we would drive down to him and he would get us a hotel room.  I hate that he misses out on things like this so often so I agreed.  I just LOVE the fireworks!! Watching them is like watching what I am convinced the inside of my head looks like when the house is a mess, and the kids are fighting, and dinner is burning, and crying sets in and all hell breaks loose and chaos ensues!  Everything in my head explodes with color and loud booms!  I just know it!
Oh and I don't want to fail to mention what helped make this experience the number one for the week!  It's the fact that we watched the fireworks from the middle of a cemetery.  Yep!  It was one of the most interesting places I've watched fireworks from....Obviously we were from out of town so we just followed the crowd of cars.  We turned in and there were no lights on this road and we pulled over behind some other cars, parked, turned off the vehicle, and got out only to find we were right next to a grave.  I looked around and there were a LOT of graves!  Yep...we were definitely in a cemetery!


AWKWARD!


When in Rome though.....right?

My sweet pea's enjoying the show!

2. This week was full of listening to my kids fighting back and forth.  One fight in particular ended with the cutest conversation!! If you are my Facebook friend or like my page, then you have probably already read this.  Sorry for torturing you with a double dose! LOL


Hunter:::I'm going to ask mommy if I can play with her cars since you won't let me have yours!!
Shane:::Mommy doesn't play with cars!! All she does is clean, put on make up and brush her hair! Duh!

This was far more cuter than Monday's question of the day!!

"Hey, Mom, what did cars look like when you were little or were they just like horse and wagons or something?"

It's going to be a miracle if these kids make it through their childhood without having to have a boot surgically removed from the rear ends! 

3.  I scored L'Oreal hair color on the clearance rack at target!  $10.18 for TWO boxes! I am thrilled!  My grays are really popping through and shining! 

4.  I am officially under the 2 month mark for my due day.  56 days until I can start having a bottle or 10 of wine again....wait....I meant a glass or 2.  Really, honestly, I did!  SWEAR!  You can trust me because I like big butts!

You snorted when you laughed, didn't you?!

5.  I joined a blog hop!  It's hosted by some fabulous people!!!!!  I am already meeting a few new fun people!  You can check out the other fun blogs by clicking the TGIF Blog Hop button at the top right of this page! There is also info on how to join!!  Now, leave me some words of encouragement below or hit the road! xoxoxoxo