Yep, now I totally suck at parenting my children. I have fun doing it though. A lot of sarcasm goes into my parenting. I understand this is not the route for everyone to take. Mostly because not everyone is as fun as I am. You really just need the right personality, well, my personality.
I talk to so many people that are shocked and dismayed at the things they hear mothers say to their children in stores or at restaurants. These people are either WAY to uptight, OR, more commonly, not yet parents.
If you aren't yet a parent, it's okay. If you are a parent and are shocked by the things you hear, there is a HUGE chance you need to loosen up a bit. If you don't you are never going to make it out of the parenting game alive.
I'm pretty sure that half of the things I say to my kids at the store winds up on facebook as an "omg, you will never guess what this mom was saying to her kids" kinda status update.
So, to all of you uptight moms, new moms that keep saying "I will NEVER", and to the perfect parents (who aren't parents yet) these are the things I regularly say or threaten my two boys with AND they are still alive, not in therapy, are very well cared for, very well fed, and not working at any child sweat camps.
*Eat my Twix bar and you will turn into a girl
*Don't you ask for anything in the store or it's bread and water for dinner tonight, if you're lucky!
*Stop tattling or I will cut your tongue out!
*Hit your brother again and I will break your hand!
*Go to bed or I will take your bed away!! (that's right, tired mom's go to desperate measures)
*Stop getting your clothes dirty or I will take them away. (that's right, threats of nudity in front of friends makes laundry a lot easier)
*If you touch one more thing on that store shelf I will leave you here and let strangers make you work!
*Stop asking for toys or I will put a half off sticker on you and put you on the shelf with the other crap people don't want to buy!
*Every time you don't try your hardest to eat all your food another kid in africa dies!! Do you want to be responsible for that???? DO YOU?????
*That's it, you are going to be sold to the circus, and not the fun part of the circus, the part of the circus that makes you clean up animal poop!!!
*Don't make me kick you in front of people!
*Do you want me to call the police and tell them what you've done???
Yes, these are only a few examples of threats. My kids still love me and tell me all the time. They are Momma's boys and the lights of my life. But, OH EM GEE, if I don't keep a sense of humor or make out of this world threats our lives would be BOOORING and they wouldn't be scared of me. Once kids lose fear of their parents, well, it's over. They can get away with murder.
So enjoy threatening them and be creative with your threats. Most importantly, don't judge other Mom's for their threats. You know nothing about the day they have had or the trouble their little brats have caused them. Make that mom's day brighter and give her a thumbs up or a giggle. Better yet, when the mom isn't looking, give the bad kid a mean look and point at them. Have fun and compare notes with your friends. Now, I am off to find one of my kids and put him in a sleeper hold so he will shut up and go to sleep!!
THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHER OF THE YEAR, BABY!!!!
I love your blogs. Keep up the good work. Maybe you should be the next Erma Bombeck.
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