What to Expect. Pregnancy's Untold Aftermath. Chapter 1

So, you think the "advice" is bad when you're pregnant?  Well, let me give you a warning.  It doesn't get any better once the sweet little, screaming, pooping, puking, sleep sucking, time stealing kid pops out either.  I'm sure like all mommies, you have your very own copy of  "What to Expect When You're Expecting", and I think it's great, fantastic, a perfect addition to any mommy's, or mommy-to-be's home library!  I have 3 copies.  (My doctor gives them out to every pregnant woman 3 kids=3 books..yay...)  However, I think there is a very important book missing from this collection!  It should be "What to Expect, the Unsolicited Advice Years".  This book could cover an array of ways to reply to every piece of unsolicited advice you will ever receive.  From the minute your child is born until the minute you die.  Let's face it folks, in the eyes of other parents, you will probably die the wrong way too.  

First moment of advice tends to be during delivery.  It usually goes a little something like this::

Let's start with the process of birthing that little bundle.

The doctor says, "Would you like an epidural during delivery?"  You respond with an ecstatic "YES!!!!!!!!!!"

Mother/Mother-in-law/BFF/Sister/Nurse, etc.. replies" Really, do you want to be drugged during the most important and special time of your life, AND risk the drugs being passed to baby?"

This is just one of my ways of responding:

"Why yes, yes I DO want the drugs.  I don't care if it *MIGHT* ruin this time.  While the birthing process is special and important, I find it far more important that my new baby not hear me screaming the "F" word, beating his/her father, or screaming profanities at the nurse.  If it takes me getting high and risking a stoned baby, so help me God, that is what is going to happen!  Now, shoot me up or move the eff out of the way so I can do it myself!!" 

The second moment typically comes during the first feeding::

Nurse:  "Will you be breast or bottle feeding?" 

No matter the reply, you're screwed.  If you reply with "bottle feeding"  You are automatically a lazy mother, who is too selfish to do the best thing for her kid (that's me)

If you reply "breast" you will probably get a turned up nose from someone in the room or hear comments about how much time it takes and how hard it is.  Leaving you discouraged and feeling alone.  

If you receive either of the comments, both can be answered with "are these your boobs or mine?  That's what I though!  Now, go taking a nice long jog off a really short bridge!"

Let's move on to advice stage number 3.

"So, what are your plans for sleeping arrangements?"

Again, like number 2, you're screwed with the answer.  

If you reply with "I plan to co-sleep" 

You will get a huge gasp and a lecture on SIDS.  

This is where you would reply with "SIDS can happen anywhere!  Learn your damn facts before you lecture to me with your judgmental comments."

If you reply "I plan on putting baby to bed in a crib/bassinet"

You will hear "Well, I think you should co-sleep!  These are the most special moments!  You will never get them back these precious moments.  Don't leave your poor scared baby alone!"  

This would be where you would reply with 

"The way I choose to raise my Poor scared baby is none of your business!!  If anyone's judgment should be called into question. it should be yours for opening your big mouth and giving advice where it wasn't welcomed.  Now, take this doughnut and chew on it until you can sweeten up a bit!"

Now we are moving on to a really fun and controversial situation.  

WHEN TO START SOLIDS!

Doctor says "You can feed your baby solids anytime now!  He/she is 4 months and that is the recommended age."

You think "GREAT!!!!!!! Maybe I will get a full nights sleep if my baby has a full belly!"

NOT.SO.FAST

The minute you shove the first spoonful of rice cereal into your sweet pumpkins mouth you will hear it from every perfect mom with advice to "share".

"FOOD BEFORE 1 IS JUST FOR FUN"

Followed by

"Breast is best!  You ARE breastfeeding, right???"

**Son of a bitch**

Where do these Biatches come from!!!!!!  Just when life is about to get fan--freakin-tastic, Judgy McJudgerson pops in and tells me I can't feed my kid!!  WTF??!!  

Listen here ladies, you tell these people, "let me take your food and you suck on my boob for the next year and see how much you like it!"  

Just a heads up ladies, some of the crazies *MIGHT* take you up on it!  

Okay, we have now covered the first half of babyhood. 

 Stay tuned for Chapter 2!!