Truth be told, I'm lying......

I find telling children stories is a crucial part of parenting.  When I say "stories" I pretty much mean lies.  Before y'all get all "what a bad mom, she lies to her kids" crazy on me, I want you to stop and remember that a "story" and a "lie" is actually one in the same.  It's a creative description of events made up with vivid imagination.  

STOP!!  STOP!!! STOP!!!!!

No need to run off to the dictionary to look up the "real" definition.  I know the above isn't it, literally speaking.  It is the definition in my brain though.  No this also doesn't mean that I condone lying, so don't stress all of your pretty (and not so pretty) little heads over it.  I am aware that there are good stories and there are bad stories and I teach my kids the difference. 

Yesterday, we had a fun story telling evening.  We had just gotten off the ferry and I pulled into the lot to get the kids buckled and situated when we saw prints in the mud!  Obviously, the mature adult I am screamed to Shane (my 6 yr old) "OMG!!  LOOK!!!!!!  BIG FOOT WAS HERE!!!!"  Obviously, my 6 yr old can't read very well and there was a sign by the woods that the tracks led too.  I don't know what the sign said, I didn't really read but I told Shane it said "BEWARE OF BIG FOOT".  

Talk about excitement in the air!!  We went and we hunted the elusive creature.  The kids had the best time looking for him and it made for a GREAT.....No, No, wonderful.......hmmmmm not the right word either..OH OH OH.....PHENOMENAL (perfect word) lesson.  When the hunt was over and the kids didn't find him, I took the opportunity to scare them a little by telling them this "story"

Me::

"Big Foot does not, I repeat does NOT, like kids who misbehave.  He enjoy snacking on them while he watches scary movies in his woodland apartment. Now that you know that, I also need you to remember that we have not caught Big Foot and he is still out there.  He could be anywhere.  So if for some reason he happens to be near you and he peeks in your window and sees you misbehaving he will snatch you!  You better be as goooooood as you can, just in case he is watching you"

Shane::: "Mom, are you lying??  Are you?????"

Me::: "would I do such a thing? I'm your mother!!"

Shane:: "no, I guess not....."

Yep, I try to find a teaching point in every fun family adventure!  I also never pass up an opportunity to scare the crap out of my kids!!!  It's the best part about being a parent!  hehehehehe

Friend Request Sent......

"Oh Em Gee!!  My mom is on Facebook!!!!!"

I hear my friends proclaiming this exact phrase all the time!!  Well, my mom is on Facebook too.  I didn't freak out.  I don't care.  It's just another way for me to stay connected with her and see what she's up too.  

However, this proclamation of fear being hollered by children, from rooftops all over the world led me to wonder.....

Did we ever stop and think that our Mom's might be proclaiming:::

I don't want a Facebook!!!  My kids are on there!!!

This also led me down a pondering path of my own.  I started thinking, when my kids are of age do I really want them on MY Facebook page???  

I've decided No!  I really don't think I do!  What if they lecture me over my behavior?  What if they embarrass me??  I mean will they be okay with me posting pictures like this:::::

                                 

Or this::::

Am I going to have to take flack for having fun????  What if my kids are boring fuddy-duddies??  I Do Not want to hear any crap from the little gooey, yucky, alien looking creatures I forced out of a part of my body that should never ever, ever be forced open in such a way!!  That's a whole other rant though.

Anyway, before we decide adding our parents to our Facebook is such a punishment for us, lets keep in mind they may feel the same.  There may be a good chance Mom doesn't care what camel's twat your looking at or who the chick behind you pulling your hair is....she may very well be more worried about what you are going to see about her...

I do hope, when and if my kids get a facebook they send me a request because this will be my chance to "ignore" them and the "block" them!! >>>evil mom laugh<<<

It's been lovely but I have to scream now!

Did you know I used to be the perfect mom....and THEN I had kids. ***sigh***

Yep, now I totally suck at parenting my children.  I have fun doing it though.  A lot of sarcasm goes into my parenting.  I understand this is not the route for everyone to take.  Mostly because not everyone is as fun as I am.  You really just need the right personality, well, my personality.  

I talk to so many people that are shocked and dismayed at the things they hear mothers say to their children in stores or at restaurants.  These people are either WAY to uptight, OR, more commonly, not yet parents.  

If you aren't yet a parent, it's okay.  If you are a parent and are shocked by the things you hear, there is a HUGE chance you need to loosen up a bit.  If you don't you are never going to make it out of the parenting game alive.  

I'm pretty sure that half of the things I say to my kids at the store winds up on facebook as an "omg, you will never guess what this mom was saying to her kids" kinda status update.  

So, to all of you uptight moms, new moms that keep saying "I will NEVER", and to the perfect parents (who aren't parents yet) these are the things I regularly say or threaten my two boys with AND they are still alive, not in therapy, are very well cared for,  very well fed, and not working at any child sweat camps.

*Eat my Twix bar and you will turn into a girl

*Don't you ask for anything in the store or it's bread and water for dinner tonight, if you're lucky!

*Stop tattling or I will cut your tongue out!

*Hit your brother again and I will break your hand!

*Go to bed or I will take your bed away!!  (that's right, tired mom's go to desperate measures)

*Stop getting your clothes dirty or I will take them away. (that's right, threats of nudity in front of friends makes laundry a lot easier)

*If you touch one more thing on that store shelf I will leave you here and let strangers make you work!

*Stop asking for toys or I will put a half off sticker on you and put you on the shelf with the other crap people don't want to buy!

*Every time you don't try your hardest to eat all your food another kid in africa dies!!  Do you want to be responsible for that????  DO YOU?????

*That's it, you are going to be sold to the circus, and not the fun part of the  circus, the part of the circus that makes you clean up animal poop!!!

*Don't make me kick you in front of people!

*Do you want me to call the police and tell them what you've done???

Yes, these are only a few examples of threats.  My kids still love me and tell me all the time.  They are Momma's boys and the lights of my life. But, OH EM GEE, if I don't keep a sense of humor or make out of this world threats our lives would be BOOORING and they wouldn't be scared of me.  Once kids lose fear of their parents, well, it's over.  They can get away with murder.  

So enjoy threatening them and be creative with your threats.  Most importantly, don't judge other Mom's for their threats.  You know nothing about the day they have had or the trouble their little brats have caused them. Make that mom's day brighter and give her a thumbs up or a giggle.  Better yet, when the mom isn't looking, give the bad kid a mean look and point at them.  Have fun and compare notes with your friends.  Now, I am off to find one of my kids and put him in a sleeper hold so he will shut up and go to sleep!!

THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHER OF THE YEAR, BABY!!!!