Does forgiving someone mean I also have to forget?

Mark 11:25
²⁵ And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” 




I have been reading this verse over and over.  I NEED to read it.  I have been hurt over the years by some people and I have held on to the anger.  Doing this has gotten me nowhere.  It has made me a different person, an angry person, an uptight person, and a medicated person. 


Will I ever be the same person I once was?  Probably not, and I'm okay with that. I can learn to adapt and play the cards I've been dealt. I'm accepting things slowly. 


In recent months I have learned that you cannot accept the present with out being forgiving and finding acceptance with the past.  So this is me officially stating for all to see. I am going to take this particular scripture to heart and try to follow it.  


I am letting this anger go! I am forgiving those that have hurt my family and me. I am forgiving those who have taken pieces of my life that are irreplaceable. These people may have broken my heart, my spirit, my family and even my faith at times.  Its okay to break a part of me, but it wasn't ok to steal things I can never get back. 


I am forgiving all of you and it will make my life better, make me better and make me lighter. You all will not weigh me down anymore. I am taking control back! 


I don't want any regrets in my life and I know I will regret wasting my energy on those that have hurt me. I want my whole heart to be happy again. I also want to give what I expect to receive! God has helped me through all of this and and I know that with all of the time he has spent helping me deal with these things I suspect he would be quite disappointed to find that I let anger,harsh words, frowns, tears and a bad attitude take over my life. 

How much are our thoughts really worth?

Music is inspiring. It can make you think. Everyone hears something different in a song. You can find anything you want to in song lyrics. Some people find comfort, some find happiness, the meaning of life, darkness, or anger, some people relate to one another through something as simple as music. Funny how the simple thoughts of one persons mind can make you realize things or understand things in ways you never thought you could.

The Band Perry's song "If I Die Young" has a portion in it that really made me think. It opened my eyes to something I have personally struggled with in the past and what ultimately ended up killing my aunt and so many other women.


"A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner

And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’"

Funny how so many women suffer an abusive relationship in silence. People question why? They ask "why would you be with someone like that?" "why do you stay around if he treats you so bad?" funny nobody really listens to your answer. It's fear. Fear of what will happen. Fear of if there will be a tomorrow. People who have not experienced the hold of a crazy man cannot understand. So asking for help can be hard. When you finally get the strength to ask for help out of the situation there's not always a lot of real support. There is however a lot of lecturing and questioning and "advice". Sadly cries for help often go unheard because many who are there listening aren't hearing. That's why that part of the song I have in quotes above touched me so deeply.

Those women who suffer emotional or physical abuse aren't always heard or understood. Why don't women leave these situations?? Why did Aunt Julie suffer through for 12 years? Can you understand now? Do you see why women live in fear of leaving these situations? Do you care about the thoughts running through the heads of these women who feel trapped? Why didn't she leave her relattionship sooner? I never had to ask. I knew. The minute I heard she left him my first thought was "he's going to kill her"

Most of the time though people don't realize the consequences suffered from being strong and leaving and a lot of the time when fear of leaving is expressed people listen but don't hear. They don't hear until it's too late. It's sad. It's hard for many women. My ex is crazy. I still wonder if his psycho ass will hunt me and Shane down one day and show up at my door. I only wonder though. I've moved on from fear. I'm not a bad shot and like I always said and will continue to say "I shoot first and call 911 later" my days of being scared are over. Now the only this I fear is wasting a bullet on his sorry ass.

So back to the point don't wait until it's too late to listen. You don't want to pay such a high price of finding out someones thoughts the hard way when you can call them up and pay the penny...

Part III. Anybody know where I went?

I am at a loss.  I am not me.  I feel broken or lost.  Images have raced through my mind all week. I have played scenarios over and over and over again in my head of the way the night's events may or may not have unfolded.  


Something everyone should know about me is that I am a thinker.  I constant non stop thinker.  Ideas and thoughts are constantly running through my head.  So much so that without some sort of sleep aid I cannot and will not fall asleep at night.  My wheels spin constantly with no conclusions in sight.  They are going just to be going.  Its one thought after another and it sometimes has a big affect on my daily life. 


So you can only imagine the way my wheels are turning with everything that is happening.  I am experiencing so many emotions.  My heart is breaking, not only out of grief for the loss of my aunt but, out of seeing the grief and the pain and the misery the rest of my family is suffering.  It hurts me to see so much pain strike a family that is usually so happy, crazy, fun, and upbeat.  My heart literally hurts when I look at my other Aunts and Uncles. It hurts to see my grandparents.  The girl who is never at a loss for words is speechless.


  I have such a strong personality. I have a terrible time containing my thoughts and sarcasm.  Thats how I taught myself to cope with my previous life with my ex-crazy husband.  This is the person I have become and I can't change it but I am trying my damnedest to contain it.  So much so that I may have lost it.  That being said I feel like I have lost a part of me.  The most important part.  The part that protects me.  


I have noticed myself walking around the house in a daze.  I have been blank.  Kind of emotionless.  I'm not sure where I went but, I'm not here.  It's a little scary. I feel like "I" may never be the same person.  Even though the person I was, was not the greatest person and not many people liked or understood my personality, it was still me an I liked me. 


I'm not quite sure where I am going with all of this but I just needed something to put my words down on. Somewhere to try and work out my thoughts besides in my head. (not sure how much more my brain can take) 


Now I am just praying I can get the images and thoughts out of my head. I don't think I ever will though........

Part II. This is why I am an advocate for Guns!

As the week has unfolded I have heard different thoughts and ideas on guns.  Mostly I have heard, "this is why we need more gun laws".  This is where I have to say those who make this statement are gravely misinformed.  

Gun Laws take guns out of the hands of law abiding citizens and puts them in the hands of criminals.  A lot of people don't understand how this works.  If you put stricter laws in place and keep people from having access to weapons this is how the weapons black market starts.  Its no different than drug rings, or when they had prohibition on alcohol.  People get what they want. Especially criminals.  

Let me ask you a question.  If you were thinking about going to a store to rob it would you have second thoughts about doing that if you knew that 7 out of the 10 people in that store carry a gun on their hip or in their purse?  Would it make you worry that if were going to stick up that store that its you against 7 people with weapons? 

Let me tell you a little about my home. I keep a shot gun next to my bed.  In arms reach.  I hear the slightest abnormal noise and you better believe I am up with my gun in hand.  I also sleep with a .45 in my bedside table and I have a beautiful hunting rifle with a great scope as well as a Judge Taurus in my home. Now let me ask this, does it change your mind about breaking into my home and trying to hurt me or my children?  Does it make you think twice that I will shoot first and call 911 later.  Do you understand that if there is an attack on my home I have a spray shot loaded in my shot gun first and a kill shot slug loaded second? I will shoot to kill because that cop is not getting that criminals side of the story! Who's willing to test me now?

Gun laws are not protection.  Look at the stats.  Do your research!  There are more violent crimes in areas with strict gun laws.  Criminals buy weapons from the black market and they have no serial numbers and are not accounted for.  Thus, leaving the criminals off the hook because there is no way to track the weapon leaving them unaccountable. 

Just take some time to think about this. I mean really think about it.  With an open mind.  Do some research and if you live some where that is for stricter gun laws vote those people out and get some new people in office who support gun rights instead.  You will see a change in your community over time.

(My first target practice last year and yes, I'm the one in the other pictures)