Just when I thought life was about to knock me down it knocked me up....

WELCOME TO MY BACKWARDS LIFE!

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged.  Mostly because I'm tired and irritated.  Why am I tired and irritated?  Because I am an idiot!  For my 30th birthday all I wanted was my tubes tied.  Yep.  One simple life changing request!  

THEN

3 weeks before my birthday it happened!  I was peeing like crazy and crying about everything.  Then I was working out one day and my blood sugar dropped and I had to down a package of starbursts.  As I was sitting there eating those sweet juicy fruity chewy candies it hit me....

I usually  ONLY experience hypoglycemia when...

OMG!!!!

WHEN I AM PREGNANT!!!

Seriously??  How in the hell am I supposed to get my tubes tied when they are currently occupied???  UGH!!

So here I am 30 and pregnant.  Yeah, yeah...it's not 15 and pregnant but I almost envy those little bratty whores.  At least they can get the kid having out of the way while they are still young enough and too stupid to realize that they may want to have future kids and they can just get their tubes tied and live a carefree life as a mother of one.  These girls kids graduate high school and can go off to college when their mom is 33!!  

FYI:::  I DO NOT CONDONE TEEN PREGNANCY OR SUGGEST IT.  (I just envy it a little)

So, anyway, this third kid is really kicking my ass.  I mean 

SERIOUSLY.WANT.TO.DIE

Not only that but even three kids later and people still want to give me parenting advice and ask dumb questions.  Or even better, try to make me feel bad because they just lost one or can't get pregnant. 

First of all, I don't need any unsolicited advice!

YEAH, That's right!  I won't hesitate!

I've kept 2 alive so far, I think I may...just maybe be able to get a third one out without your advice.  

Also, the who's your doctor crap is annoying.  I don't care if you like my doctor or if my doctor killed your baby or harmed your kid or made your life miserable.  I like my doctor.  she has delivered 2 absolutely perfect children safe and sound and risk free.  So ((in my most ghetto mama voice)) MIND YO' BUSINESS!!  

I'm sorry if you lost a baby or are having a hard time having one.  I truly am.  BUT HELLO!!! I am having one and I am sitting here all high strung with pregnancy hormones driving me over the edge and AND, I can't even take my Prozac.  So your little guilt trips or remarks about your situation are irritating.  I have given up daily caffeine, prozac, wine and my ability to keep food down do NOT make me punch you and lose my freedom too.  

Last of all, Don't ask me what my plans are for breast feeding or cloth diapering!  I don't share my boobs and I don't was poop out of cloth! Rashes and a smaller brain be damned!! You can look down your pointy little noses all you want but in the end,  IT'S NONE OF YO' BUSINESS!!

Pass the purple thread please....

some hearts are in need of mending right now... 

R.I.P JULIE ANN BOCK

Tomorrow it will be a year.  <----my first sentence and I am already weeping a little. This last year has been full of trials for my family and friends of the family and a year we will never forget.  

A year of loss.  A year of tragedy.  A year of fear and hate, cursing and condemnation. A year of confusion and frustration.  A year of uncertainty.  For some a year of learning to forgive, a year of figuring out how to cope, a year of moving forward and for a couple it seems as though it made no impact.  There are also some who have lost their way.  On this night, one year ago, my Aunt Julie went to bed happy with her boyfriend, Tom and the two of them never woke up the next day.  They were both found, shot in the head.  Sadly over jealousy from a possessive, and abusive ex-husband, who took his own life that same day.  

What have I learned over the course of this year?  

*Families who suffer a loss like this can be ripped apart. 

*Some men don't learn from things like this and try to change, they actually make it a point to act worse.  Maybe because of the added attention?  I find abusive men to be 2 year old's at heart.  They throw a tantrum and whine then lay a guilt trip and promise no more bad behavior if you just please don't punish them!!  Then 2 hours later they are back at it.    

*Every situation is looked at differently and through different eyes.  Your view on the world goes from rose colored glasses, rainbows and daisies to black and white. 

*Forgiveness is freeing but not completely. As , one can never forget. 

*A family can't mend without the right stitch. 

Oh dear Lord!!! It is hard to remember. Not in the terms as I have forgotten.  I haven't.  I remember her face in the casket, I remember the rose covering a bad spot in the side of her head so that we could have an open casket, I remember the pink veil over her and I remember the feel of her lifeless hand.  I remember the smell of the funeral home.  I remember having to explain murder to my almost 6 year old.  I remember the phone ringing at 7:22 am on a sunday morning.  I remember the sobbing and the anger on the other end.  I remember hugging my grandparents when I saw them for the first time after the news.  I remember frantically trying to book a flight and I remember the ice and snow that almost got my flight cancelled.  I even remember the flight being over booked and a man telling me that since my kids and I were just probably on vacation could I take a later flight.  I remember starting to sob and another man who knew what happened yelling at the man not to make assumptions about peoples lives and destinations.  I remember my sobbing scared Hunter and he spilled a whole cup of orange juice down my shirt.  (which made me really look crazy because I hysterically started laughing and sobbing at the same time) I remember seeing my dad and my sister when I got off the plane.  I remember the hugs from family and sadness in everyone's eyes.  It was a sadness I had never seen before.  A deep, real, painful, lost kind of sadness.  I remember all of us falling asleep in the living room for a week, too scared to leave the others side, maybe? Maybe to painful to just move from the couch to a bed? I don't know why we did it but we did.  I remember everything!  I can feel it.  It's like I am back there again.  I remember every detail.  Even though I WANT to forget.  I can't.  The shock was intimidating.  I don't think I had ever experienced true shock.  WOW!!  Like I said, It's hard to remember.  It hurts to remember.  I really wish I could forget the details.  I won't though.  How do you forget something like this?  You don't, and that is something I am trying to make peace with.

I really hope my beautiful Aunt Julie is resting in peace! 

A very old picture but one of my faves.  This was before her 3rd child, Aaron was born.  

clicking here will take you to the news story for those who are clueless about this part of my life. 

Clicking this will take you to the Domestic Violence Hotline.  Please don't live in silence!!