How much are our thoughts really worth?

Music is inspiring. It can make you think. Everyone hears something different in a song. You can find anything you want to in song lyrics. Some people find comfort, some find happiness, the meaning of life, darkness, or anger, some people relate to one another through something as simple as music. Funny how the simple thoughts of one persons mind can make you realize things or understand things in ways you never thought you could.

The Band Perry's song "If I Die Young" has a portion in it that really made me think. It opened my eyes to something I have personally struggled with in the past and what ultimately ended up killing my aunt and so many other women.


"A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner

And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’"

Funny how so many women suffer an abusive relationship in silence. People question why? They ask "why would you be with someone like that?" "why do you stay around if he treats you so bad?" funny nobody really listens to your answer. It's fear. Fear of what will happen. Fear of if there will be a tomorrow. People who have not experienced the hold of a crazy man cannot understand. So asking for help can be hard. When you finally get the strength to ask for help out of the situation there's not always a lot of real support. There is however a lot of lecturing and questioning and "advice". Sadly cries for help often go unheard because many who are there listening aren't hearing. That's why that part of the song I have in quotes above touched me so deeply.

Those women who suffer emotional or physical abuse aren't always heard or understood. Why don't women leave these situations?? Why did Aunt Julie suffer through for 12 years? Can you understand now? Do you see why women live in fear of leaving these situations? Do you care about the thoughts running through the heads of these women who feel trapped? Why didn't she leave her relattionship sooner? I never had to ask. I knew. The minute I heard she left him my first thought was "he's going to kill her"

Most of the time though people don't realize the consequences suffered from being strong and leaving and a lot of the time when fear of leaving is expressed people listen but don't hear. They don't hear until it's too late. It's sad. It's hard for many women. My ex is crazy. I still wonder if his psycho ass will hunt me and Shane down one day and show up at my door. I only wonder though. I've moved on from fear. I'm not a bad shot and like I always said and will continue to say "I shoot first and call 911 later" my days of being scared are over. Now the only this I fear is wasting a bullet on his sorry ass.

So back to the point don't wait until it's too late to listen. You don't want to pay such a high price of finding out someones thoughts the hard way when you can call them up and pay the penny...

Part III. Anybody know where I went?

I am at a loss.  I am not me.  I feel broken or lost.  Images have raced through my mind all week. I have played scenarios over and over and over again in my head of the way the night's events may or may not have unfolded.  


Something everyone should know about me is that I am a thinker.  I constant non stop thinker.  Ideas and thoughts are constantly running through my head.  So much so that without some sort of sleep aid I cannot and will not fall asleep at night.  My wheels spin constantly with no conclusions in sight.  They are going just to be going.  Its one thought after another and it sometimes has a big affect on my daily life. 


So you can only imagine the way my wheels are turning with everything that is happening.  I am experiencing so many emotions.  My heart is breaking, not only out of grief for the loss of my aunt but, out of seeing the grief and the pain and the misery the rest of my family is suffering.  It hurts me to see so much pain strike a family that is usually so happy, crazy, fun, and upbeat.  My heart literally hurts when I look at my other Aunts and Uncles. It hurts to see my grandparents.  The girl who is never at a loss for words is speechless.


  I have such a strong personality. I have a terrible time containing my thoughts and sarcasm.  Thats how I taught myself to cope with my previous life with my ex-crazy husband.  This is the person I have become and I can't change it but I am trying my damnedest to contain it.  So much so that I may have lost it.  That being said I feel like I have lost a part of me.  The most important part.  The part that protects me.  


I have noticed myself walking around the house in a daze.  I have been blank.  Kind of emotionless.  I'm not sure where I went but, I'm not here.  It's a little scary. I feel like "I" may never be the same person.  Even though the person I was, was not the greatest person and not many people liked or understood my personality, it was still me an I liked me. 


I'm not quite sure where I am going with all of this but I just needed something to put my words down on. Somewhere to try and work out my thoughts besides in my head. (not sure how much more my brain can take) 


Now I am just praying I can get the images and thoughts out of my head. I don't think I ever will though........

Part II. This is why I am an advocate for Guns!

As the week has unfolded I have heard different thoughts and ideas on guns.  Mostly I have heard, "this is why we need more gun laws".  This is where I have to say those who make this statement are gravely misinformed.  

Gun Laws take guns out of the hands of law abiding citizens and puts them in the hands of criminals.  A lot of people don't understand how this works.  If you put stricter laws in place and keep people from having access to weapons this is how the weapons black market starts.  Its no different than drug rings, or when they had prohibition on alcohol.  People get what they want. Especially criminals.  

Let me ask you a question.  If you were thinking about going to a store to rob it would you have second thoughts about doing that if you knew that 7 out of the 10 people in that store carry a gun on their hip or in their purse?  Would it make you worry that if were going to stick up that store that its you against 7 people with weapons? 

Let me tell you a little about my home. I keep a shot gun next to my bed.  In arms reach.  I hear the slightest abnormal noise and you better believe I am up with my gun in hand.  I also sleep with a .45 in my bedside table and I have a beautiful hunting rifle with a great scope as well as a Judge Taurus in my home. Now let me ask this, does it change your mind about breaking into my home and trying to hurt me or my children?  Does it make you think twice that I will shoot first and call 911 later.  Do you understand that if there is an attack on my home I have a spray shot loaded in my shot gun first and a kill shot slug loaded second? I will shoot to kill because that cop is not getting that criminals side of the story! Who's willing to test me now?

Gun laws are not protection.  Look at the stats.  Do your research!  There are more violent crimes in areas with strict gun laws.  Criminals buy weapons from the black market and they have no serial numbers and are not accounted for.  Thus, leaving the criminals off the hook because there is no way to track the weapon leaving them unaccountable. 

Just take some time to think about this. I mean really think about it.  With an open mind.  Do some research and if you live some where that is for stricter gun laws vote those people out and get some new people in office who support gun rights instead.  You will see a change in your community over time.

(My first target practice last year and yes, I'm the one in the other pictures)

Part 1. Just a few thoughts from the week...

I just don't know where to start or the words to start with. I am sick. It's like a bad dream you just can't get yourself to wake up from. You hear about things like this on the news daily and think "how tragic" or "that poor family". Do you ever sit and think, "WHEN this happens to my family"? No, if you are like me you probably think "Thank God! This would NEVER happen to my family" There is not a family in the world safe from tragedy. I thought there was, I thought it was mine. Now I know how stupid I was for thinking such an ignorant thought. How stupid could I be? Looks like.....PRETTY DARN STUPID!

I know death, I've experienced loss. It hurts. It's painful. It's hard. It's also inevitable. As you become an adult you become more and more aware that death isn't out of your families reach. You come to terms with that and accept that. You never learn to ignore it and you are never free of that loss but you know that eventually your friends an family will age, get diagnosed with a disease or cancer or have a terrible car accident. I could accept that. I would be devastated but eventually I could accept the loss. Losing a loved one because another person was angry and made a decision to end a life for the sole purpose of revenge is not as easy to accept. To go into the home of a sleeping woman and her boyfriend and killing them is not acceptable! Taking someone's life because you can't let go is not acceptable! It's no where near acceptable! It's unfathomable! Then to be such a coward and end your own life makes it worse.

Now I can't ask "why", I can't yell, I can't scream at him or visit him in jail to remind him of what he has done. How he left his own 12 year old son without parents, how he left a beautiful young mother with out her own mother to look to for help and advice, how he left a wonderful young man, who still has so much to learn from his mother, alone. What about her mother and father? No one should have to bury a child! She had sisters and brothers........it should be many years before they have to experience this loss. My heart aches for my family. It breaks every time I hear certain songs or look at certain pictures or listen to stories from others. I love, no not loved, LOVE, my aunt.(I'm not using past tense because I still love her) I can't picture our family without her. Maybe as time passes the wounds will heal, the anger will fade and the pain with ease. Maybe I am kidding myself. I don't know. There is a lot I don't know. One thing I do know is, I am tire of playing "what if". I play different scenarios in my head constantly. I have to put that game away, it is getting me no where. I am really bad at this game. I have never won the "what if" game and I don't see myself winning in the near future.

I have no regrets though. I was lucky enough to have had the chance to see her before this happened. I was able to tell her I loved her and I am blessed with all of the memories her and I have shared. I have no clue if any of this makes any sense. Honestly, I don't care if it does. This is MY outlet and writing/typing my feelings is my release. This is how I show emotion. I can get it all out this way and whoever wants to read can and for those that don't, they can ignore this. Writing makes me feel as though I am not annoying anyone with my troubles because its your choice to read.